If I Had
by CeceCox
Summary: Monica watched her best friend chase the woman of his dreams. The only problem was... it wasn't her. Sometimes, falling in love can blur your vision, make you do things you never thought you'd do. [epilogue up]
1. Chapter 1: Chasing a Dream

This idea just came to my head one day. Please give it a chance. Read and review to tell me what you think. 

Disclaimer: I got them for Christmas! Yay!!! Okay… so I didn't… but a girl can have her fantasies, right?

Things to know: Ross, Phoebe, Chandler, Monica, and Joey know each other… so that means that they don't know Rachel. Chandler and Monica are best friends and roommates. The rest of the gang live where they do on the show. 

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Chapter One

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The girl's head was turned back. He couldn't see her face, so he walked up to her. They were walking through flowers.

"Excuse me…" The girl turned around but her face was blurry. He rubbed his eyes, but the image didn't improve. 

"Yes?" The voice was familiar – very familiar. But he just couldn't point out who's it was. She was beautiful – he could tell, although he couldn't see clearly. 

"Have we met? Who are you?" 

"But you know me."

"I do?"

"I'm who you're meant to be with." 

"What? Who are you?"

Chandler woke up to the sound of his alarm clock. He reached his hand over but missed. His mind was foggy. He strained his eyes to focus them. When his image cleared, he half-expected to be in a meadow next to a beautiful woman. He looked around. No, it was just his room. He looked over at the clock and slapped his hand on the snooze button. He walked out of his room and was greeted by Monica. 

"Hey you," she greeted. Chandler smiled. 

"Hey." Chandler shook his head, trying to clear his mind. Monica noticed this and frowned. 

"What's the matter?" Monica asked, concerned. Chandler shook his head. 

"Nothing. It's nothing. I just - " Chandler stopped mid-sentence. 

"What? Come on, Chandler… you can tell me anything. It's me… Monica! Remember? The person that's been your best friend for the past ten years?" 

Chandler smiled. "I had a dream." 

Monica looked amused. "Oh? A good one?" 

Chandler nodded. "A very good one." 

"So… tell me about this 'wonderful dream'," she mocked him. 

"Well… there was this woman. I couldn't see her face, but I could tell she was beautiful. Mon… I had a dream about my soulmate."

"What? You had a dream… about your soulmate?"

"Yes. It – and it felt so real. Mon… I'm telling you… it was a sign!"

"Okay… who was this person?"

"I – I don't know. But I'm going to find her," he said, too sure of himself. 

"Chandler… there are thousands and thousands of women – and that's only in New York. Can you imagine how difficult it would be to find one woman in a sea of about 1 billion women? It's impossible."

"No, it's not. Mon, you have been so supportive of me ever since we first became friends. For ten years, you mended my broken heart. For ten years, you watched wrong woman after wrong woman come into my life. Do you want another woman like that come?" 

"No… but…"

"No, please. I'm tired of not having anybody to love. I know that the right one is out there somewhere. And I'm going to find her."

Monica sighed. "Then I can't stop you." 

At dinner that night, Chandler decided to tell the rest of the gang about his plan. They laughed at him. All but Monica. Chandler excused himself and walked onto the balcony. 

"You guys… be supportive! I can't believe you laughed at him," Monica scolded. She quickly got up and followed Chandler. 

"Chandler?" She was surprised to see tears in his eyes. 

"They all think I'm some kind of idiot, don't they?"

"No, Chandler. They're just kidding. They're the ones that are being idiots. I think it's great that you believe in something so much." 

Chandler looked up at her.

"Really?" He moved closer toward her. 

"Of course." She moved closer toward him. 

"You know… you were always the one that I could count on, Mon." And closer. 

"And you were the one that I could always count on." And closer. 

Soon they were so close that their lips were almost touching. Chandler closed his eyes and leaned toward her. Monica did the same. 

"Chandler?" Chandler jumped and Monica screamed. They quickly spun around. Phoebe, Ross, and Joey were standing by the window. 

"Yes?"

"We're sorry," Ross apologized for all of them. 

"Yeah, we were being jerks. We'll be better," Joey told him. Chandler nodded. 

"I accept." 

Monica looked from Chandler to the rest of the gang. 

"Chandler?" she called out to him.

"Hmmm?" 

"I – I'm coming with you." 

"What?" Chandler looked at her, confused. 

"I want to come with you on your journey to find this person. Please?" 

"Oh, Mon. I'd be honored to have you by my side," he told her and went over and hugged her tightly. He didn't let go until a few minutes later. "I love you, Mon. You're the best friend anyone can ask for." 

"Yeah. I know," she teased. Chandler smiled. "Friend."

In a week, Monica and Chandler were on their way. Monica still couldn't believe what she was doing. It was like a movie. A story. Not life. She was helping her best friend find his soulmate. Did this happen in life? Not many people believed in fate, destiny, and soul mates. It was something Phoebe would do. She couldn't believe Chandler was so into this. And all because of a mere dream. They were in a train heading toward NJ. Monica looked over at him and saw that he was sleeping. She smiled and kissed his cheek. 

"Chandler. Why are you chasing a dream?" she whispered to him. "I'm right here." 

To Be Continued…

Please review and tell me if you liked it. The story will build up, I promise. Please, please, please review to tell me what you thought! I promise the next chapters will be much longer… this is just to see if you guys like this idea. Please… I won't post the next chapter until I get some good reviews!


	2. Chapter 2: Getting Adjusted

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Chapter Two

He had it all planned out. This wasn't going to be easy – he knew it. But Monica was with him… so that made it easier. He already had all his money with him – who needs a savings account, anyway? They were in NJ and walking through the streets. It was a cute little state, which was too small for its population. Chandler looked over at Monica and smiled. 

"You have no idea how much I appreciate you doing this for me, Mon," he thanked her. 

"It's nothing. I'd do anything for you." Monica averted her eyes to the floor. "So how are we going to find this woman of your dreams?" she asked trying to keep her voice from shaking. 

"I'm not that sure. I'll just – I'll look for the descriptions from my dream. I'll listen for her voice." 

"Chandler… are we actually going to travel around America?"

"I'm going everywhere until I find her." 

"What if you hear millions of voices that sound like hers?" 

"Then I'll see which one is right for me. Whoever I think is that, then she must be my soulmate." 

"What if you pass her up?"

"I won't, Mon. Whatever is meant to be happens." 

They walked the rest of the way in silence. When they finally reached the hotel 'Holiday Inn', it was late at night. Monica and Chandler walked up to the front desk. 

"We'd like a room, please. And please find the cheapest one," Chandler told the woman at the front desk. The woman nodded, and in a few minutes gave them their key. They went to their room number and entered. Monica looked around, but stopped when she saw there was only one bed. 

"Chandler… we'd better get another room. There's only one bed." 

Chandler shook his head. "No… we can't. This was the cheapest room and we can't afford another one. This place is too expensive." 

"Then… I'll sleep on the floor. Just give me a pillow and blanket…"

"Come on, Monica. We're best friends. We can share a bed." 

Monica reluctantly nodded. "Okay. You're right." 

Chandler walked up to the bed and fell onto it. "Ugh. I'm beat. I'm gonna sleep… don't mind me having my clothes on. Too tired to put my PJ's on," he yawned. 

"I'm going to stay up a little longer…" But Chandler was already asleep. Monica shook her head and smiled. "Sleep tight." She went over and covered him in the blankets. Monica looked out the window and leaned her back on the wall. She sighed. "Let Chandler be happy. Please, God – if you're up there… do whatever it takes to make Chandler happy. Don't let him search the world and not find the person he's meant to be with." Monica looked back at Chandler. 

Monica walked to the bed and laid down on it. She moved herself closer to Chandler and hugged him. 

"I just want you to be happy," she whispered with tears in her eyes. "Even… even if I'm not the one that makes you happy."

When Chandler woke up, the first thing he noticed was Monica hugging him, asleep. He smiled, but stopped when he noticed his wet shirt and Monica's tear-stained cheeks. He frowned. 

"Mon? Are you awake?" 

Monica slowly opened her eyes. When she saw she was still hugging Chandler, she quickly threw her hands off of him. "Hey, Chandler." 

"Mon… were you crying last night?" 

Monica looked at his shirt. "N – no." 

"Then… why is my shirt wet, why are your eyes red, and why do you have tears on your cheeks?" 

"I – okay… maybe I was…"

"Why?" 

'Because I want to be with you!' she wanted to say. 'Because I can't have you, and because you're looking for your soulmate, not giving me a second glance!' 

But instead she said, "I must have had a bad dream. You know how I cry sometimes when it truly is horrible." 

"What was your nightmare about?"

"I – umm… oh, yeah – I remember now. I was – well, umm… Phoebe died." 

Chandler looked at Monica skeptically. "How did she die?"

"Just the way she always told us she would – she fell off the roof." 

Chandler nodded. "Okay." It was all Monica could do not to breathe a sigh of relief. "What to get some breakfast?" Monica nodded and they walked to the hotel restaurant, hand in hand. They were always close like that. They reached a table and ordered what they wanted. Chandler looked around the entire time. Monica knew what he was doing. He was looking for her. His soulmate. 

"Shouldn't you be listening instead?" Monica asked. Chandler looked at her. 

"Yeah… I guess. Mon, is something wrong? I can tell something is bothering you."

"No, I'm fine. Perfect. Couldn't be better." Monica smiled and looked out the window. Everything was just fine. She wished it was that simple. If only.

"I was thinking we could go to California next," Chandler said while swinging. They were at a park and on the swings. 

"Why so far?" 

"Maybe… you know, maybe we could go farthest then head in." 

"Okay." 

Chandler looked at Monica and smiled. 

"I bet you I can swing higher than you," he told her. Monica spun her head towards him. 

"You wish." 

"Wanna bet?" 

"Come on. Just try me." 

Chandler went higher and higher, Monica right next to him. 

"Okay, I don't think we can go higher than this!" Monica yelled over to him. 

"Then let's see who can land the jump!" 

Monica jumped from the swing and easily landed on the floor. Chandler waited a couple of seconds, jumped, but fell. Monica ran over to him and laughed. 

"Wow. You really are good at this," she teased. Monica held out her hand, and Chandler took it.

"I know." Chandler pulled Monica to the floor and she fell on top of him. 

"You ass!" Monica said, mocking anger while she playfully hit him. Chandler was the one laughing now. 

"So you don't like your own medicine?" Chandler smiled, and Monica stopped. God, she could just melt into his smile. They looked into each other's eyes, all laughing aside. Monica abruptly rolled over beside him instead of being on top of him. Chandler turned his head and looked at her. He grinned evilly and went on top of Monica, pinning her to the ground. Monica looked deep into his crystal-blue eyes and smiled.

"Why do you have to be so difficult, Chandler?" she asked him. 

"Because I like to be." 

Monica tightly shut her eyes. She could feel the hot tears threatening her eyes. 'Why are you doing this to me, Chandler?' she asked herself. 'Why couldn't you just have been an insignificant, low person? Why do you have to be so sweet – so lovable?' She swiftly rolled over and out of Chandler's grip. Chandler and Monica got up at the same time. 

"Mon… now you can't tell me that there isn't anything wrong. You can talk to me. Please… I want to help you," Chandler pleaded for an answer. Monica shook her head. 

"No… no, there's nothing wrong. Really."

"Fine." Chandler looked down to the floor and started walking towards the hotel while kicking the dirt. Monica ran up to him and hugged him from behind. 

"I'm serious, Chandler. I'm just so happy that soon you'll be happy," Monica told him. Chandler looked ahead without moving. He slowly turned around. 

"Really? So you're not mad, sad, or anything like that?"

"Oh God… no. No, I'm good. Perfect." 

Chandler smiled. "What would I do without you?" 

Monica sighed. "I think I need you more than you need me." 

"What? Why would you say that?" 

"I – it's just that… soon, you'll finally be happy. And me… I'll be all alone." 

"No, I'll still be with you, Mon. I'd never leave you."

"But when you find her… you won't need me…" 

"Oh, Mon… is this what this is about? Mon… I promise. Friends forever." Chandler held out his pinky. "Pinky swear."

Monica linked her finger with his. "I believe you. Friends. Friends… forever." Just friends.

It was a long week, but Monica and Chandler managed to get through it. Chandler searched for the woman in his dreams, but couldn't seem to find her. Monica tagged along, consoling him. 

They were now headed toward California. Los Angeles. 

They were on a plane. 

Just the two of them. 

And Monica didn't think she could take it.

She saw the disappointment on Chandler's face when they boarded the plane. And she remembered how Chandler felt when he thought he found her – about five times. But each time, Chandler would run after her, his hopes high, and the woman would link her arms with the arms of the man next to her. Each time Monica told him the same thing: "It wasn't the woman in your dreams. I know it wasn't." It never failed. 

Chandler looked out the window next to him. He wasn't going to find her. He was never going to find his soulmate. And to make matters even worse, Monica was acting so differently. Sure, they had fun. But she seemed so distant in the past couple of days. He needed her there for him. If it weren't for her, Chandler would collapse. He needed her. She was his glue that held him together. He looked over at her and saw that distant look he was so familiar with now. He sighed and closed his eyes. Was he doing the right thing going on this journey? Chandler paused. No, of course he was. What was he thinking? Soon he'd be happy – not just the kind of happy he was when he was near his friends, but a love-happy. But… he wasn't sure if that would ever come.

"Chandler?" Chandler looked over to Monica. 

"Hmmm?"

"What did she sound like?" she asked. 

"What?"

"Your soulmate… what did she sound like?" Chandler took a minute to answer.

"Like heaven. Her voice sounded sweet, but determined. Everything good." 

"It sounds like you're describing her." 

"What?" 

"Find a person with those descriptions, and you'll find her," she told him. She wanted to help him. Really, she did. It was just hard. 

"Thanks Mon… you're the best. You're always helping me out… what could I do to make it up?"

"Be happy." 

Chandler smiled. "After this is all through, I will be." 

Monica could feel the tears come again. "I know." She hesitated, but continued. "Do – do you think that sometimes you could pass up love without knowing it?"

"No. True love is never passed up." 

'Then I guess we were passed up.' "Chandler… have you ever – have you ever loved somebody so much it made you cry? So much… you can't – couldn't – sleep?"

"No… no, I haven't. That's why we're here now, Mon. Have you?" 

Monica looked at him. "Yes." 

Chandler looked taken aback. "Really? Who?"

'You' "You don't know him."

"How could I not know him?"

"Well… it was love at first sight. Do you believe in that?"

"I guess… maybe."

"Well it was. And I can't stop thinking about him. But he doesn't see me that way." Monica felt the tears roll down her face. 

"Are you sure?"

"Positive. What would you do, Chandler, if you were me?" she asked, her voice trembling. 

"I'd tell him. What's the worst that could happen?"

"Everything in his life would turn upside-down."

"But you don't know that for a fact. Just try it. If you loved him enough, you'd try."

"I just don't want to ruin his life." Monica smiled through her tears. "I'm sorry, Chandler."

"For what?"

"For telling you all of this. You can just forget I said anything."

"Mon… I'm glad you told me. We promised to tell each other everything, remember?"

Monica nodded her head. She was breaking the promise. 

All she wanted to do was tell him how she felt. But she wouldn't. It would be too hard on him. She couldn't do that to her best friend and the man she loved. Monica leaned her head on Chandler's shoulder. 

She'd have to settle for just friends.

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To Be Continued…

Please tell me if I should continue or not. I won't post the next chapter until I get some good reviews. I really want to know what you think. Remember… the next chapter all depends on your reviews. 


	3. Chapter 3: Seeing the Truth

Chapter Three

Chandler and Monica landed in a few hours. They quickly left the plane and headed for their luggage. They talked about nothing and anything while looking for their bags. Of course they were traveling light, so it didn't take long for them to find all of their baggage. 

"So are you feeling lucky?" Monica asked. Chandler took a while to answer. 

"I'm not sure if I'm going to find her here. I'm not sure if I'm ever going to find her." 

"Come on, Chandler. Do you honestly think that you'll find her with that kind of attitude? Be aggressive! Sure of yourself! Content!" 

Chandler smiled. "I know. You're right. You always are." 

Monica shook her head. "Nah… I'm not right about a lot of things."

"Oh? Name one time you were wrong." When he saw Monica thinking hard for a while, Chandler grinned. "Harder than it seems, isn't it?"

"Shut up, Chandler!" Monica said, nudging his shoulder. He laughed and ran away from her. Monica chased him, but soon ran into somebody. "I'm sorry," she quickly apologized. 

"It's okay." It was a woman. All of a sudden, Chandler spoke up. 

"Hi, my name is Chandler Bing. Don't mind the strange name, by the way," he greeted while extending his hand out to her. The woman smiled. 

"Rachel Green," she said, shaking Chandler's hand. Chandler quietly whispered something in Monica's ear. 

"That's her, Mon. That's my soulmate!" 

And Monica could feel her heart being ripped apart, piece by piece. "Are you sure?" she asked him quietly. Chandler nodded. 

"Absolutely." He went over to Rachel and took her bag. "May I?" Rachel nodded, and Chandler took her bag, leaving his own behind. Monica quickly took all of the luggage and tried to catch up with Chandler. By the time they reached the front desk, Monica was dragging the bags on the floor. Rachel looked at her. 

"Are you following us?" she asked. Monica shook her head. 

"Oh no. No, I'm not following you. I'm with him," she told Rachel while pointing to Chandler. Right after she said that a man came up to Rachel and wrapped his arms around her. 

"Hey babe," he approached. Chandler looked heartbroken.

"And you are?" Chandler asked with clear bitterness in his voice. 

"Oh, right… Chandler, this is Ted. Ted, this is Chandler. I just met him a few minutes ago, but he's very sweet." Monica could see Chandler blush. Monica saw Ted looking at her, so she spoke up. 

"I'm with Chandler."

"So you two are dating?" Ted asked. 

"No." 

"Yes." They both spoke at the same time. Monica looked at Chandler curiously. Suddenly she knew what he was doing. 

"I – I mean… we are. I – thought you asked if we weren't dating," she tried to cover up. Rachel and Ted seemed to believe her. 

"So… I mean, we just met – but do you think we could double date sometime? You guys seem nice," Chandler asked. They both nodded. 

"Here's my cell," Rachel said and handed him a piece of paper. When they left, Monica turned her head towards Chandler. 

"What the hell was that, Chandler?" she asked. Chandler looked down to the floor. 

"I – I just thought that I could make her jealous. Please, please, please, Mon. Please go along with this. You want me to be happy, right?"

"Of course I do."

"Then please go along with this." 

"Fine. But I'm only doing this for you." Chandler smiled and hugged Monica. 

"Thanks, Mon. I knew I could count on you." 

"Sure. You – you can always count on me."

When they entered their rooms, Monica immediately felt her heart tighten. There was only one bed again. Monica sighed and threw her bag on the floor next to the bed. 

"Today was a long day," she uttered. Chandler agreed. 

"But a good one at that." 

Yeah, for him it was. For her it was the worst day of her life. She was going to have to play girlfriend for Chandler until Rachel grew jealous and ran into Chandler's arms. Why did this all have to be so perplexing? All Monica ever wanted was Chandler. But she'd never have Chandler. Even if Chandler didn't find his soulmate… he'd never look at her as more than a friend. A best friend. She looked at Chandler and frowned. The one thing she'd always wanted and would never have. 

Chandler couldn't believe it. This was the best day in his life! He'd finally found his soulmate – his destiny. He smiled and imagined himself kissing her. The image was perfect. Everything was going perfectly – except the face that she had a boyfriend. But that could be fixed. Chandler looked at Monica. She was still distant towards him – as distant as ever. When would he get his best friend back? 

"Hey, Mon?" 

"Yeah?"

"I – I … umm… I saw a beach not far from here. You want to come?"

The cool, wet sand was a relief from the burning, scolding sand they just stepped off of. It was a beautiful day – crystal blue sky, cloudless, and breezy. Perfect. The day was perfect. Monica dug her feet into the sand. "Nice day," Chandler said, trying to start a conversation. "Sure is.""You want to go for a swim?""Don't have my bathing suit.""That's fine… clothes dry, don't they?" Monica smiled. "I guess they do." "Come on, Mon… you've been so distant lately. You're not being your usual self.""You're right, Chandler. I'm sorry." "No, I am." Monica looked at Chandler strangely. "For what?"Chandler's grin deepened. "For this." Chandler quickly held Monica up and threw her in the water.

Chandler looked around and smiled. It was nice finally being able to talk to her again. He hadn't been able to for so long. He looked at the spot he threw her in. It must have been a minute later. Where was she? Chandler panicked and swam towards her. Monica quickly swam to the surface, making Chandler jump. 

"Did you know I could hold my breath for a minute?" she asked him when she reached Chandler. Chandler glared at her. 

"What the hell were you thinking? I thought you drowned!" he cried out. Monica smiled. 

"I'm sorry. But that's for throwing me in the first place." 

Monica swam away, and Chandler followed her. When they reached the shallow end, Chandler started to run after Monica. When he finally caught up to her he grabbed onto her ankles, making her fall. Chandler pinned her to the ground and smiled. 

"And that's for scaring me half to death." Chandler looked into Monica's clear, sparkling eyes. 

"Were you really scared?" she asked him. Chandler nodded. 

"More than I'd ever been. I thought you'd drowned, Mon, and I thought that I was going to be the person that killed you. I can't live without you." 

Monica looked back into his eyes. "Really?" she asked, her voice soft.

"I wouldn't lie about that," Chandler whispered. 

"You mean the world to me, Chandler."

"I do?" 

Monica nodded her head.

"Mon, I couldn't ask for a better friend." 

Monica's smile suddenly faded. "Thanks. Neither could I." 

"Chandler?" It was a woman's voice. Chandler looked up at smiled. He let go of Monica and kissed her cheek. 

"Hey, Rachel. What are you doing here?" He got up and held his hand out to Monica. Monica took it and he helped her up. 

"Just thought I'd go for a swim." 

"Where's Ted?"

"He had to work." 

"Oh… so you live in LA?" 

Rachel nodded. "Yeah. I just moved here about two years ago. I love it here… I can't imagine living anywhere else." 

"Not even in… New York?" 

"Nope. Although I've heard it's wonderful there."

"Oh, it is! It is…" 

"You live there?" Rachel asked. 

"No, we live right here," he said and put his arms around Monica's waist. Rachel looked at Monica for the first time and smiled. 

"You two live together?" 

"Sure do." Chandler gently gave Monica butterfly kisses on her neck. Monica closed her eyes. This was killing her. 

"So when do you two want to have a double date?" Rachel asked. 

"Tonight is good for us. How about you?" 

"Yeah, that's fine for us. Where do you want to go?"

"Somewhere casual. Maybe… for pizza?" 

Rachel nodded. "Sounds like a plan. Is 6:30 at the pizza place right by the beach good?"

"Yeah." 

"Okay, I'll see you two tonight," she said and left. Chandler stopped kissing Monica's neck and smiled. "Yes!" he said and held out his hand to Monica. Monica slapped it and forced a smile. 

"Yay for you," she said, pretending enthusiasm. "Maybe – maybe you two are soulmates." 

"I know we are. Why else would you have bumped into her?" 

"Maybe you are." Outside she smiled, but inside her heart was being stepped on. 

"Mon, what should I wear!?" Chandler asked, running from the bathroom to his bag. Monica sighed. 

"Chandler, wear whatever you want. Anything is fine," she tried to tell him. But he wasn't listening. 

"What do you think I look best in?" he asked, showing her all of his clothes he laid out on the bed. 

"You look incredible in everything and anything, Chandler," Monica whispered. Chandler smiled. 

"Really?" 

"Yes. But… if you're going to be pacing for another hour, that blue shirt over there makes your eyes stand out." 

"Thanks, Mon." He quickly kissed her cheek and grabbed the shirt. "What about pants?"

"The jeans match." Chandler quickly grabbed his clothes and ran to the bathroom. Monica sighed and collapsed onto the bed. This was going to be a long night. 

They walked to Jiff's Biff Pizza hand in hand. When they entered, Rachel and Tony were already there. Chandler smiled and walked over to them. 

"Nice to see you again," he greeted, shaking Rachel's and Tony's hands. After all of them exchanged greetings they all sat down. Chandler put his arm around Monica.

"So what do you two do for fun?" Tony asked. Chandler looked down at Monica. 

"Go to the beach, down to the bowling alley, you know… the usual. How about you?"

"Same here. There's so much to do down here. Where did you two say you live?" Rachel asked. 

"Well, we didn't say – but we… we live… just a – a block up from here," Chandler answered. He silently leaned down and kissed Monica's neck. 

"How long have you been dating?" Tony asked. 

"One year."

"Six months." They both spoke up at the same time. Monica smiled. "One year and six months."

"Oh, that's pretty long. We've only been dating for a month."

Chandler looked up. "Oh? That's not that long." 

"No. How did you meet?" 

"Well, we were friends first. But we met when my brother brought him to my house for Thanksgiving. I fell in love right away. Chandler didn't even know I loved him until - five years of being friends. We were best friends. I tried telling him – many times – about how I felt about him. But things got in the way. And I just didn't want to leave him with such a problem. He found out when one of my friends accidentally told him. And we've been together ever since," Monica told them. At least part of it was true. "How did you meet?" 

Rachel laughed. "Well we don't have nearly as much of a history. We just met each other at a coffeehouse." 

While the rest of them continued the conversation, Monica kept quiet. She finally decided on something she hoped was the right decision. She was never going to tell Chandler how much she loved him. She couldn't do that to him. 

The night passed by very slowly. They ate pizza, went bowling, and walked on the beach. The entire time Monica stayed silent unless something was addressed to her. Finally the night was over and Monica found herself walking to the hotel with Chandler. 

"Tonight went perfectly," Chandler said when they finally reached the hotel room. "I think she's really starting to like me. She asked me if I wanted to have coffee tomorrow!" 

"Great," Monica told him, trying to prevent her tears. "Things are going as planned." 

"I know!"

Soon, Chandler would be all Rachel's. 

Rachel and Chandler grew closer than ever. Every day they would either go out for coffee, go bowling, go to the beach, or just hang out. Chandler barely talked to Monica since he was out with Rachel so much. And Monica felt Chandler slipping away from her. Maybe they were soulmates. They were growing so close in so little time – they must have known each other a week and already they were inseparable. Things didn't usually happen so fast. It was all so rushed. Her life, Chandler's relationship with Rachel – everything. 

The next day when Chandler was out with Rachel, Monica decided to call the gang at New York. She took her cell phone and silently dialed the numbers. 

"Hello?" 

"Hey, Ross. It's me, Monica."

"Oh, hey Mon! How's it going?" 

"He found her." 

"What? So soon?"

"I know… I didn't think it was possible, either. Maybe – maybe they really are soulmates," Monica replied, her voice low. 

"Probably. I really did think Chandler would never find her. But now that he thinks he did…" 

"What mistakes could I tell him not to make, Ross? You're a guy… you'd be able to help him more." 

"That he shouldn't be afraid of love or telling him he loves her. Mon… sometimes you lose in love, but you always lose when you give up." 

Monica felt a tear fall down. "I'll remember that."

"Do you want to talk to anyone else?" 

"No – no, I have to go. But – I'll call soon. Bye." Monica briskly hung up the phone. 

Monica ran to the beach. Maybe she could tell him. Maybe he'd realize they were supposed to be together. She wasn't going to lose so easily. It was a cool night with no more than a breeze. She ran passed houses, pushed passed people, and finally reached the beach. She wasn't going to give up. And she was right, they were there. 

But what Monica saw shattered her life. Her heart. 

Tears fell down her face yet again, as she watched the man she loved and his soulmate kiss for the first time. 

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To be continued…

I know this chapter probably wasn't that good, but the next one will be better. And not as rushed. But please review to tell me if I should continue or not. I won't continue until I get some reviews. 


	4. Chapter 4: Dealing

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Chapter Four

Her head grew foggy, blocking her mind. In a minute, she couldn't see. Everything became blurry, and she felt as if she was going to collapse. She felt lightheaded. Quickly but carefully she ran – faster than she ever had before. Tears fell, but she didn't even notice. A knife tore through her heart – her emotions. She was wounded for life. 

Finally, Monica couldn't take it anymore. She collapsed. She collapsed on the hard, cold sidewalk, not even caring. She sobbed, putting her hands to her face. She should be happy for Chandler. She really should. But she couldn't. As hard as she tried, it seemed impossible. Suddenly, Monica stood up, trembling. She'd told herself that she wanted Chandler to be happy, even if it were with someone else. And she was going to stay that way. She wanted Chandler to be happy. She'd rather him live his life to the fullest and be content than her. And that was the truth. Although Monica didn't like the truth. 

It must have been 3:00 in the morning when Monica finally reached the hotel. All through her way there she would look back every once in a while, hoping to see Chandler run after her, telling her to be with him. That she was the one he wanted. But that was just a dream – hope. She didn't exactly expect it to happen, she just wished it would. Monica collapsed onto the bed and sighed. Why had she agreed to come in the first place? No, she knew why. Because she loved Chandler and wanted him to be happy either way. 

"That's right, Chandler. I love you," Monica said, looking to her right where Chandler should have been. "I love you with all of my heart. I can't sleep, I can't think of anything else but you. I love you so much it hurts. So much it makes me cry. So much – so much I'm willing to be unhappy the rest of my life to make you happy. I need you. I want you. But I can't have you." She looked out the window and felt another salty tear drip down her cheek. It was all she ever did these days – cry. And it wasn't ever going to change. Because Chandler had someone else. Monica laid down her head and buried it in her pillow. Before she got to lift her head up, Monica heard Chandler come into the room. 

Chandler looked content. He felt content. Finally, he had his soulmate. And it wasn't at all hard to get her. It must have been only one week, and already. He already had her. Things were finally looking up for him – finally. He silently looked at Monica and smiled. And it was all thanks to her. He couldn't have done it without her. He went over to her and kissed her hair. 

"Thanks, Mon," he whispered. "You set my life right." 

Monica shut her eyes tightly, but she didn't say anything. She just pretended she was asleep. Chandler changed and lay down on the bed next to Monica. He fell asleep right away, but Monica remained awake. Things would never be the same again. Never. It was her own fault, she finally decided. It was her own fault that she never told him how she felt. But even if she did – what then? Would he have listened? Would he have cared? Monica shook her head. But she didn't even get the chance to find out – because she ran. She ran from it all. When she was sure Chandler was asleep, Monica got up and went over to the window, just like she did every other night. Only this time instead of looking out towards the sky, she looked down – down towards the ground. They must have been on the top floor, and everybody walking on the sidewalks looked like diminutive ants. She closed her eyes and debated her two options. 

One: she could end it all. End it all right now and die. Jump from the window, let herself fall, and hit the hard concrete below. 

Or two: she could suffer. She could suffer, watch Chandler be with someone else, and hate herself throughout life. 

She decided on one. It was the easy way out, and she didn't have the strength to take the hard way out – if there even was a way out. Monica walked over to the small table and took out a piece of paper and a pen. Then she began to write: 

My dear Chandler, 

I know this shouldn't be the way to tell you what I'm about to. But I've come to learn that it's the only way. I'm a coward, I know I am. I just wish that I took my chance when I could. But I didn't. I waited too long. By the time you get this note, I'll be long gone. Not back in New York, not in another city in California. Not anywhere in the world. I'll be dead. But please, don't grieve for me. Be happy with Rachel, your soulmate. I want you to be. I truly do. That's why I came with you, why I stuck with you, why I pretended to be your girlfriend. I want you to be so happy, Chandler. And don't tell the others what I'm about to tell you. Nobody knew, and that was my own fault. 

I wrote this note to tell you that I love you, Chandler. I love you so much it hurts. You were the one that I was talking to you about that night on the plane. You were the one. I can't – or should I say couldn't, since by the time you read this I'll be dead- live without you. You were my life, my destiny. I loved you the minute I laid eyes on you. I don't know how to explain it, I just did. And I stayed by your side, I consoled you whenever you broke up with a girlfriend, I was your friend – I came with you on this trip. And year by year, it tore me apart piece by piece. That's why; right now, I have to say good-bye in the worst way possible. Good-bye, Chandler, my love, my destiny, my hero. I just wish we could've had a chance. But either way, you'd have ended up with Rachel. She is, in fact, your soulmate, right? 

All of my love, 

Monica

P.S. Don't be sad that I'm gone.

Monica dried her tears and folded the note. Should she be doing this? She wasn't sure. No, she had to do this. She couldn't live with all of the suffering, all of the pain, the heartache. Monica took the note and left it on her pillow. She climbed out the window, looked down, and took a deep breath. 

"Good-bye, Chandler. I love you," she whispered. Then she looked back at Chandler. For a few minutes, she just sat there on the windowsill, watching Chandler breathe in and out in a rhythmical motion. She watched a smile creep up on his face, lighting it up. She looked at him as he shivered as a breeze flew from the window to him. Then she frowned. 

What was she doing? Why was she giving up so easily? How could she do this to Chandler?

She couldn't. She wasn't going to. It would hurt Chandler too much – even if they were only friends. But they were best friends – closer than anyone could imagine. They told all of their secrets, crushes, gossip – everything – to each other. And Monica couldn't even bare to think of the fact that she'd be the one to ruin Chandler's life. Monica slowly climbed back into the room and went over to the bed. She took the note and sighed. 

"If only I could just give this to you, Chandler. Then you'd know how I feel." But she shredded the paper and left it there on the floor – too exhausted, tired, and depressed to even care that the clean carpet was littered with shreds of paper. She just collapsed on the bed and hugged Chandler. "I was about to do something so stupid, Chandler. So stupid." Wet, hot tears stung her eyes, and for the first time, she actually bothered to wipe them away. "So stupid." By now, she was sobbing into his chest. "I was about to tear your world down." 

"Mon. Mon, wake up!" Chandler whispered to her while shaking her. Monica slowly opened her eyes, rubbing them to clear her vision. Immediately she saw Chandler's blithe face. He was grinning from ear to ear. Monica sat up and smiled. 

"Wow. What's going on? You look like you just won a million dollars," she smiled. 

"I feel like I have!" 

"Okay, Chandler… are you going to tell me why you're grinning like a fool?" But she knew exactly why he was so happy. 

"She kissed me!" 

"What?" Monica said, trying to keep her voice from not being too shocked but glad at the same time, "Really?"

Chandler bobbed his head up and down, attempting to nod. 

"Rachel kissed you!" She threw her arms around him. "I'm so happy for you, Chandler," she whispered. 

"Thanks, Mon. And I don't mean for just saying that, I mean for everything. I'd never even have found her if it weren't for you." 

Monica shook her head. "No, now that's not true. It's destiny, remember?"

"Chandler squeezed Monica tighter. "Yeah, that's right." 

"Hey, what do you say we go to Charlie Brown's, my treat?" Monica offered, "To celebrate." 

"I don't know, Mon…"

"Come on, it's your favorite place!" 

"Yeah, but it's so expensive, and we don't have the money…" 

"Correction, Chandler. You don't have the money. Besides for food and drinks, I haven't even spent my money. The reason you don't have any is because you spent a lot of it on tuxedoes, remember? My treat, to celebrate." 

Chandler's smile grew wider. "Thanks, Mon. You truly are the greatest." 

Monica shook her head. "No…"

"Really, you are." 

"What about Rachel?" she asked, trying to keep the hurt out of her voice. 

"Now now, Mon. Don't make me choose between you two!" He smiled. "Besides, You're the best friend. She's the best girlfriend."

"Chandler, how could you know? You've only known her for about two weeks." 

"I just do, Mon. She's my soulmate, remember?" 

"I remember." Her voice was barely a whisper now. Chandler stopped smiling. 

"Is there something wrong?" 

"No. No, I'm just so happy for you. I wish you a lifetime of happiness, Chandler. I mean it." She hugged him again, tighter this time. "And I know that now you will be. You have her. Rachel.

The walk to the restaurant was short. Monica and Chandler talked about anything that came to their mind, arguing about whose favorite movie was better, talking about the past, and just anything that they thought of at the moment. For a while it seemed like old times. They just talked, and Monica almost forgot about why they were even walking. Then he mentioned her again. 

"Mon, you have no idea how incredible Rachel is," he told her. Monica's face fell. 

"I don't?"

"No. You'll never meet anyone as wonderful as her." 

"I already have," she murmured. 

"Who?" he asked, apparently interested. 

'You,' she wanted to say. Instead, she said, "You don't know the person." It was like that night on the plane. 

"Oh, I remember. The one you've loved for so long?" he asked in barely a whisper. Monica nodded her head.

"Yeah. That's the one." She knew tears were about to follow, even before she felt them. Chandler stopped walking and hugged Monica. 

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have mentioned it." 

"No, Chandler. It's not your fault. I should be over him. But – it's so hard. I don't think I ever will. He's just so wonderful, Chandler," she sobbed into his chest. 

"It'll be okay…"

"But you don't know that. It's not going to be okay. He's already with someone else." 

"Does he love her?" 

"I – I don't know yet. This may seem selfish, but I sure hope he doesn't." Suddenly Monica pulled away and wiped her eyes. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't be crying like this…"

Chandler put his finger to her lips. "Shhh. It's okay. It's okay to cry, you should," he soothed her. Monica shook her head. 

"I've been doing enough crying. By the way, why are we focusing on me? We should be celebrating the fact that you're with Rachel!" she choked out the words. 

"No, we don't have to…"

"I insist." Monica forced a smile on her face and took both of his hands in hers. "I'm so happy for you." 

Chandler smiled. "Thanks." 

They sat at a booth, sipping hot chocolate, although it was above seventy degrees outside. It was Chandler's favorite drink. They sat in a silence that Monica couldn't define, couldn't put words to. It wasn't comfortable for her, but Chandler seemed easeful. She interrupted the utter stillness. 

"So what happens if Rachel sees us together?" she asked, playing with her fingers.

"I'll tell her when I see her today that we're still going to be friends…" 

"Chandler, you said we were dating for how long? Over a year? Wouldn't it be awkward for someone who's been dating for a year to see each other and not be together in that way?" 

Chandler considered it for a moment. "Then we just can't let her see us together." 

"What? Hey, I never suggested that…"

"Mon, I can't let her think I'm cheating on her!"

"Fine," she uttered, keeping her gaze away from his. "I'll pretend to not know you anymore, how's that?" Monica pushed her mug away from her, instead dropping it to the floor. It broke in a shatter and a piece got cut into Monica's ankle. She didn't even notice the physical pain. She stood up and walked away, not even alert that she was limping. Chandler went after her. 

"Mon…" 

But Monica just kept on walking, pretending she didn't hear him. 

"Mon!" he tried again, but got the same response. "Mon!" he yelled, pulling her back. "What the hell was that? What's the matter?" 

Monica tried to keep the tears from falling. "I don't know what you're talking about!" She tried to walk away again, but Chandler held her back. 

"Tell me," he said sternly. Monica tightly shut her eyes. 

"It's bad enough to have to go through what I am, but to pretend that I hate you?" she yelled right back at him. 

"What are you talking about? What are you going through!?" 

"What if she's not even your soulmate, Chandler? What then?" she asked, ignoring his last question.

"Why all of a sudden the change of heart?" 

"Chandler, you will never know what I'm going through right now." 

"Oh, is it just too hard for you to support your friend? Is it? Is it so hard to accept that finally I'm happy?" 

"You don't even know what you're talking about!"

"I know more than you do. I know now that you don't support me anymore. You probably think this is just some kind of silly, childish game I'm playing, don't you? You- "

"Chandler, I want more than anyone for you to be happy. Believe me! I have gone through so much to make sure you end up happy! I – you know what? To hell with all that I'm feeling, okay? To hell with it! I'll just swallow up all I could, keep everything bottled up, and end it all for good and swallow a bottle of Tylenol! I would have done that a long time ago, Chandler. But you know the reason I never did? _You_, my best friend of ten years. So don't even try to tell me I don't want you to be happy!" She limped away, trying to wipe her tears. 

And this time Chandler didn't follow. 

__

To Be Continued…

Sorry this took SO long to post… I've been busy. Please review and tell me if you like it – I won't continue until I get some reviews!


	5. Chapter 5: Too Much

Chapter Five

Chandler didn't come back that day. Monica sat on the bed the entire time, waiting for him to come, waiting for her chance to tell him she was sorry. She knew she never should have said what she did – she had no right to. Although they were true, she didn't have a right to leave him with such a burden. She loved him – so why was she doing this to him? These questions swam in her head for the entire evening. 

Monica woke up with a start. When she looked at the clock, she saw that it was six in the morning. She shook her head and groaned. Why did she have to wake up so early all the time? Then, Monica remembered last night's events. She groaned again, but louder. She looked to the right of her, but she didn't see Chandler. 

"Chandler?" she called out. No answer. "Chandler?" she asked again, but louder. No answer. "Chandler!" Monica stood up and looked around. He wasn't in the hotel room. Monica sighed and put her hands to her face. 

"What have I done?" she asked herself. Chandler could be hurt, lost – dead. Monica shook her head. No, it couldn't be. But she knew she was just fooling herself. Anything was possible now. She quickly grabbed her keys and ran out the door, in search of Chandler. "What have I done?" she whispered again. 

When she ran out the hotel doors, she immediately regretted not bringing a coat. It was biting cold outside in the morning. She shook her head but continued. Everywhere she looked, she saw couples holding hands, kissing, or walking together. And it broke her heart every time. Every time was just another reminder that that should be her and Chandler. Chandler. Even when she just said his name, chills ran up her spine. Through it all, Monica always found herself smiling when she thought of him. Then she remembered why she was outside in the first place – Chandler could be hurt. Monica felt her eyes tear. If anything happened to him, she'd never be able to forgive herself for it.

"Chandler!" she called out. "Chandler! Where are you?" Monica looked past every corner, door, and window she passed by. Monica sighed. "Chandler… please… please be okay."

After about three hours looking for Chandler, Monica finally collapsed onto a bench. Where was he? Monica wiped the tears from her eyes and got back up. She couldn't stop until she found him. Suddenly, Monica saw a woman holding a man's hand – and that man looked awfully identical to Chandler. She felt her heart rip apart. All of this time… all of her worrying and fear – he was with **her**. Rachel. Suddenly her fear became anger. She quickly ran up to him, but stopped short on her way when she remembered Rachel thought they used to date. She shook her head and just headed back to the hotel in tears. She looked down at the floor, kicking pebbles along the way. 

"Life's hell. Then you die," Monica muttered to herself. "I just wish I'd die now." 

When Monica reached hers and Chandler's room, she took out her cell phone and dialed Joey's number. She figured it was about time that they got an update on their lives. Phoebe was the one to pick up. 

"Hello?"

"Hey, Phoebes… it's me, Monica," she greeted. 

"You guys, it's Monica!" she heard Phoebe yell excitedly in the back round. 

Monica smiled. "Hey, who's there with you?" 

"Well, it's me, Joey, and Ross." 

"Can – can you please put me on speaker?" 

"Sure thing." Monica heard a click. 

"Hey, Mon!"

"Mon! How are you?" 

"Hey you guys. I'm – well, I'm fine. How are you three holding up?"

"Boy, oh boy, do I miss your cooking!" Joey exclaimed. "And you." 

Monica laughed. "I miss you all." 

"Is Chandler there?" Ross asked. 

"N – no, he's out with her." 

"Her?"

"Rachel." 

"Oh, yeah…" 

"So what are you doing now?" she asked, trying to change the subject. 

"Well… bored. We're eating pizza and drinking beers. Sound like fun?" Joey answered. 

"Sure does."

"Mon? What's the matter?" 

"What? Nothing, why would you think something was wrong?"

"You have that distant voice." 

Monica sighed. "No I don't." 

"Mon, I'm your brother… I've known you all my life. So don't just sit there and tell me everything's okay when it's not." 

"It's just – well, since Chandler found his 'soulmate'… he doesn't need me anymore. Should I come back to New York?" 

"I don't know… what do you think?" Phoebe asked. 

"I – I don't know, either…"

"What do you want, Mon?" 

Monica paused. "I – I…"

"Mon?"

"I want him," she whispered. For about five minutes, there was complete silence. No one said anything – Monica because she didn't know what to say and the other three because they were still recovering from shock. Ross was the one to break the silence. 

"You – you what!?" 

Monica just held her eyes tightly closed, not saying a word. 

"Mon… what do you mean?" Joey asked, surprisingly clam. 

Monica hesitated to answer. "You know what I mean." 

"No, we don't!" Ross yelled. 

"Ross, calm down," Phoebe said. 

"I am calm!" he screamed. 

"Ross, what is the matter with you?" Monica heard Joey ask. Monica shook her head. 

"Please…" Monica started, but no one was listening to her. "Anyone?" 

"She can NOT say that! Chandler? Why him?!" Ross asked, his voice shrill. 

"He's sweet, he's funny, he's -" Monica started, but was cut off by Phoebe. 

"Ross! What the HELL is the matter with you?" 

Monica couldn't take it anymore. She silently hung up and closed her eyes. The tears fell down rapidly, but she didn't even notice – just like her friends didn't notice her. Why did she say anything to them? She knew why – because she expected them to be considerate of her feelings, for them to understand. How could they understand? Monica laid her head down and fell into a fitful sleep. 

Monica woke up to the sound of a door creaking open. She quickly sat up, relieved to see Chandler walking in. Monica smiled, and so did Chandler. 

"Mon, I- "

"I'm sorry, Chandler," she cut him off. Chandler looked surprised. 

"Really?" 

"Yes. I – I shouldn't have said what I did… I see your point, and I'll gladly help you. If it's what you want, I'll pretend to hate you." 

Chandler smiled. "Would you really do that for me?" 

"Of course, Chandler. I came on this trip with you, didn't I? I want to see you happy. I love you." 

"Thanks, Mon. I love you, too," he said and went over to hug her. Monica smiled, although she had nothing to smile about. If only he meant those words like she did. 

"Where were you all night? You scared me," Monica asked. 

"I'm sorry. I just had to do some thinking."

"About what?"

"Well…" Chandler hesitated. 

"I'm all ears." 

Chandler smiled. "I was thinking… maybe I should move to California…" he started, but stopped when he saw the look on Monica's face. "Mon… what's the matter?" 

"What? N – nothing. I'm fine. Nothing's wrong."

"I said I was thinking about moving here… not that I would…"

"But you will, won't you? I mean… you'd do anything for this Rachel. You came all the way here… why not stay here?"

"You're not okay with this," Chandler sighed. 

"What? Why wouldn't I be okay with it? Why, Chandler, _why_?" Monica was speaking hurriedly now. 

"Mon… it's just… I think I'm falling in love with her." 

"Okay, then move here! I'm totally okay with it! Don't think about what you'll be leaving behind in New York! Don't think about Ross, Phoebe, or Joey! Don't think about how much we'll miss you! Just think about **_her_**!"

"Mon, I'll still see you!" 

"When? You'll never leave Rachel's side… and she thinks we used to date. You'll never be able to see me! And it's not like you'd lie to her… telling her you're going on a business trip or anything!"

"Mon…"

"I came with you on this trip so you could be happy, Chandler. Not so I could lose you," Monica whispered, tears falling for the first time in front of Chandler. 

"You won't lose me!"

"Yes I will. I know you by now. I know that our ten years of friendship doesn't matter to you."

"That's not true!"

"But it is. It is."

"How would you know, Mon?"

"Okay, then if our friendship matters to you… where were you all last night?" 

"I was thinking!"

"But where?"

"Why do you need to know!?" Chandler yelled. 

"I looked for you for hours last night, Chandler. I was afraid that you were lost, hurt… or dead. So, tell me now, and don't lie. Where were **you** last night?"

Chandler sighed. "I – I was with Rachel… at her apartment." 

"That's what proves my point. While I was out looking for you… while I was so incredibly sorry for what I said to you, while I was afraid and confused… you were with Rachel." Monica looked down at the floor and wiped her tears. Then she looked back up, straight into Chandler's eyes. "And I still am afraid and confused."

"About what!? You don't have to choose between your friend and soulmate!"

"No, I don't Chandler. Because I'm not even WITH my soulmate!" Monica grabbed her jacket and headed for the door. "Just move here, Chandler. If that's what you really want. But please promise me something – please don't forget me and the years of laughter and fun we've had. Remember… best friends forever. You pinky swore." 

Chandler looked at Monica and sighed. "Mon, wait. Wait, I didn't mean it!" But she was already out the door. Chandler quickly ran out and went towards Monica. "Monica… I didn't mean it. I'm sorry."

Monica turned around, and Chandler was surprised to see streams of tears descending from her eyes. "Yes you did. And it doesn't make me feel better just to hear it." 

"No, I **do **mean it." 

"Chandler, just move here!" Monica yelled. "You told me yourself… Rachel's the most important thing to you!" 

"What if she's not?" 

"But she **is**! She is." Monica couldn't take it anymore. She collapsed onto a bench and put her hands to her face. "I know she is."

"How would you know that!?" 

Monica looked up at him with bloodshot eyes. "Chandler… for the first time in years… your eyes sparkle."

"How do you know it's because of her?" 

"You love her… and she loves you. I can see it."

"You can not!" 

"Why are you so afraid of love, Chandler?"

"Well… you get hurt. Commitment."

"You're right about one thing… you do get hurt." Monica looked down and then back up at him. "Chandler… someone told me… that you shouldn't be afraid of love or telling her you love her. Sometimes you lose in love, but you always lose when you give up." 

"You don't understand…"

"I do understand! I do."

"Mon…"

"I can't run a repeat of last week if I can't handle this one, Chandler. I don't have the strength… I don't have the courage."

"Please…"

"Just move here, Chandler. Do it for the both of us. Just move here and be happy." Monica got up and walked away. Chandler, not knowing what to do or say, just stood there. He was torn between the two.

His soulmate… the love of his life.

Or his best friend.

The days passed, and Monica and Chandler tried to keep things normal. They tried to pretend as if Chandler didn't have a life-altering decision ahead of him. In all, things were good. To Chandler. Okay, to Monica. It was Monica's birthday that day. Monica smiled to herself. Today would be one day that things would go back to normal… even if it was just for a few hours. They both decided to spend the day together. And nothing was going to stop them from having the time of their lives. Every year on Monica or Chandler's birthday, the two would go out to dinner and then just hang out, doing the things they loved to do. Although they were in California, they saw no reason to break the tradition. Monica felt the wind blow across her face, forcing her to close her eyes. She was walking toward their hotel room, where Chandler told her to meet him the other day. When she closed her eyes, she envisioned Chandler. Chandler, holding her hand. Chandler, kissing her. Chandler… her Chandler. Monica shook her head. 

There was no use in thinking about it. 

But that never stopped her. 

When Monica opened the door to the hotel room, she walked in, expecting to see Chandler. But there was no Chandler. She looked around. 

"Chandler, are you here?" she called out. She figured he was playing a game with her. She smiled… she remembered how the first time he jumped out of his room yelling, 'Surprise!' she nearly tripped over. Ever since then, Chandler did the same thing every year. 

"Chandler?" Monica knocked on the bathroom door, and when she got no answer she let herself in. "Seriously, Chandler… are you here?" She opened the shower drapes, but no one was there. She stepped out of the bathroom and looked under the bed.

"Chandler! Get out!" Monica looked around. But when she looked at the dresser, she saw a note. 

__

Dear Monica,

Happy birthday! I'm so sorry. I can't make it today. This is Rachel's only day off of work for the week, and she wanted to do something special. It's also our two – week anniversary. Sorry I couldn't make it. But two-week anniversaries only happen once, right? Maybe we can celebrate your birthday tomorrow? I'm so incredibly sorry. But look under your pillow, and you'll see a surprise. 

Your best friend,

Chandler

Monica read the note over a few times before it finally sunk in. Chandler chose his and Rachel's 'two-week anniversary' than her birthday. 

"Yeah, two-week anniversaries only come once. But this may be our last time together on my birthday." Monica tried hard to keep the tears from flowing down her cheeks, but there were too many held up. They fell like a river. Monica looked under her pillow and saw another note. All it said was: I ordered you food. That was all. There was also a small box, and Monica took it. When she opened it, she saw a ring. The ring she'd always wanted but never could afford. Monica smiled. It must have cost a fortune. When Monica looked at the ring closer, she saw small words that said, 'C&M – Best Friends Forever'. Monica collapsed onto the bed. 

"Yeah, happy birthday to me."

Monica looked over at Chandler, wiping her eyes once more. 

"I love you, Rachel," she heard him mumble in his sleep. Monica frowned. She slowly walked over to him. She couldn't believe what she was about to do. Why was she doing this? She knew the answer, but she didn't know if it was the right one. Monica looked down at Chandler's sleeping form and smiled. It wasn't a happy-smile. No, it was definitely not. She leaned down towards him. She was about to tear her world down. But she knew Chandler would be happier this way. 

"Now I know I'm not the one for you, Chandler," she whispered. Monica watched as a tear fell onto Chandler. "I know I'm not the one for you." Monica silently leaned down and kissed Chandler… their first kiss. Monica felt Chandler kiss back, but she knew he was still asleep. "I'm not the one for you," she whispered one last time when the kiss finished. It was a sweet kiss, and Monica wished it had lasted forever. If only life were so simple. Monica took her duffel bag and draped it onto her shoulder. She looked out to the starry sky, up at the moon. Large, full, and strong. That was what the moon was. She wished she could switch places with it. Monica walked over to the door and opened it. She looked over at Chandler one last time. 

"I love you," she said, and walked out the door, closing it behind her. 

Chandler woke up to the sound of a door closing. He sighed and looked over at Monica's side, seeing if she was awoken by it, too. But when he saw the empty pillow, Chandler panicked. Where was she? He looked around, and saw that a note was on top of her pillow. He took it and read it out loud. 

"Good luck. Love, Monica." Chandler's face shown clear confusion. "What?" He looked around, and finally realized what was going on. He jumped out of his bed and ran to the door. He looked up and down the hallways, but didn't see anyone. He ran towards the stairs and sprinted down them. He rushed out of the entrance and looked up and down the street. Soon he saw the familiar figure and ran towards her. 

"Monica! Monica!" he yelled, running after her. But before he even got halfway there, he saw her get into a cab, and watched the cab drive away. "Monica!" he cried out desperately. "Come back." Chandler collapsed right there on the sidewalk, bursting into tears. He'd lost his best friend. 

"Monica! Come back!" he sobbed, unaware of the thousands of faces watching him. "Don't leave me! I need you!" he cried out. Suddenly, Monica's voice rung through his head. The ten years of friendship – of understanding. 

'_Best friends? Forever?' Monica asked, laughing. _

'Forever.'

'So what happens when you find... **the one**?' she joked.

'You're the only one for me,' he told her, grinning. /

Chandler looked up. "Why did you take her away from me!?" he asked as if she'd been gone for years.

__

'Have you ever thought of how life would be if we never knew each other?' she asked.

'No. Because I like everything exactly the way it is… and there's no need to think of anything that could've been.'

'Chandler? I never want anything to change.'

'Me either. Never.'

Chandler put his hands to his face. Why was this happening to him?

__

'Please don't forget me and the years of laughter and fun we've had.'

"Oh, Mon," Chandler sobbed. "How could I forget?"

To Be Continued…

Sorry this took FOREVER to update! I've been so busy… I barely had enough time to do anything to the story. Anyway, please tell me if you liked it or not. Remember… no next chapter if I don't get any reviews!


	6. Chapter 6: Live With It

****

Chapter Six

__

`"You… are freakishly strong!" Chandler gasped, trying to catch his breath. 

"No, you're just a wimp," Monica laughed, pinning him to the ground.

Chandler's eyes sparkled, leaving Monica mesmerized. "Fine," she said, letting go of him, "I'll let you go this one time. But you'll owe me… big time!"

Chandler grinned. "Why, thank you, Gellar." 

"Don't act cocky, Bing." Monica laughed right along with Chandler. 

"Me? Who are you kidding?" 

Monica slowly let Chandler stand up. Chandler let out an exaggerated sigh. "I'll never!" 

Monica laughed. "Don't be melodramatic." 

Chandler beamed. "Who're you to tell me what to do?" Chandler quickly swept Monica off her feet and into his arms. "Look what the Chan-Chan man brought home today!" 

"Chandler! Put me down!" 

"Never!" Chandler smiled and carried her over to the couch. "You're mine forever."`

Monica twisted the ring on her finger, letting the tears fall freely. There used to be a day when Monica didn't have any worries. When all she had to face was going to work. And then after work she'd see Chandler, hang out with him and the gang. She wished… even for just one day, one moment… things would go back to that way. Back to simple. Back to content. Monica looked out the window, looking through the thick fog. She tried to keep her mind on how she was going to see her friends soon… but her mind just kept reminding her that her true love was being left behind. 

"It's for the best," Monica whispered. "I wasn't the one for him. Rachel is." Monica wiped her tears and let out a quivery sigh. Despite her effort to dry her eyes, more tears just kept falling. 

"Who're you talking to?" Monica jumped, startled to see that someone was even seated next to her. Monica forged a smiled. 

"Myself." 

When Monica left it at that, the man smiled. "My name's Muriel." 

Monica looked at him and frowned. _Chandler Muriel Bing_. 

"Does my name bother you?" he asked, sensing her depression. 

Monica shook her head. "No, it's not you. It – well, I just used to know someone with that same name in the middle." 

"Why does it bother you?"

"A lifetime of reasons." 

"Then you could call me whatever you'd like," he joked. Monica felt the tears coming. Chandler used to always say that to strangers. Monica closed her eyes, trying to clear her mind. But all she saw was Chandler seated next to her instead. It was time to let go… she knew it was. Why else would she be sitting on this plane? She knew it was time to let go. But she couldn't help but hold on. 

Chandler sat down on the bed, sadness engulfing him. He'd just lost his best friend. Sure, he knew where she was going. But he couldn't leave Rachel. He'd just finally decided he was in love with her. When Chandler laid his head down, he noticed a note on his pillow. He didn't notice it before, but now that he saw it, tears stung his eyes. It was from Monica. As he read it, he could hear Monica's voice reading it to him; he could see her beautiful face. 

**** __

Chandler,

We met it seems… such a short time ago

You looked at me, needing me so.

Yet from your sadness, our happiness grew

And then I found out… I needed you too.

I remember how we used to play

I recall those rainy days

The fire's glow… that kept us warm.

And now I find we're both alone. 

Goodbye may seem forever.

Farewell is like the end. 

But in my heart's a memory.

And there you'll always be. 

Chandler read the poem she wrote to him several times before he put it down, wiping his tears. The paper was tear-stained, and the ink was smudgy from Monica's tears. Now the paper was nearly soaked from his own. And the tears wouldn't stop. 

"Come back, Mon," he whispered. "I need you."

Monica took her luggage and pushed her way past all of the busy travelers. When she finally reached the exit, she ran out of the building and stopped a taxi. But before she got in, Monica looked around. It was the same as when she left it. **It**was the same. **She**was a whole different person. She got in the taxi, gave her directions, and pulled out her cell phone. Ross was the one the pick up. 

"Hello?" 

"Ross?"

"Mon… is that you? Look… I'm really-"

"Give Phoebe the phone."

"She's not here."

"Then give me Joey." 

"No… look…"

"Ross, just give him the phone." Monica heard Ross sigh and hand someone the phone.

"Monica?" It was Phoebe. 

"I thought you weren't home."

"This is my apartment…"

"Well, I just wanted to call to tell you that I'm coming home. I'm already in New York and I'm in a taxi." 

"Okay. Hold on."

"Okay." After a few minutes, the silence was broken. 

"Mon, please talk to me," Ross begged. Monica sighed and shook her head, not even bothering to notice he couldn't see her. Without answering him, she just hung up the phone. Her cell phone rang numerous times after that, but she ignored it. 

After ten minutes of being alone with her thoughts, the taxi pulled up in front of her apartment building. Monica paid the driver and went to her apartment. When she opened the door, tears came to her eyes. It held so many memories that would never be replaced with new ones. It was the first time she was in the apartment without Chandler being her roommate. Without bothering to unpack, Monica threw herself onto the couch and buried her face in her hands. She'd always thought that things would always be great. That she'd always have Chandler. _'You're still young, and already you have nothing to live for,' _her mind told her. And her heart told her the same. 

"Mon! Are you in there? Why did you lock the door?" It was Phoebe. Monica shook her head, but made no attempt into opening the door for them. 

"We know you're in there! We heard you come in!" This time it was Joey. 

"Leave me alone," Monica pleaded. 

"No! We want to see you!"

"Why? So you could lecture me? I don't need to deal with this right now!"

"We just want to **see **our friend! Is that so terrible?"

Monica sighed. "Is Ross there?" 

"No."

"Are you lying to me?"

"No!" 

Monica got up and headed for the door. When she opened it, she was relieved to see only Phoebe and Joey standing there. After Ross's reaction towards Monica's confession, she didn't think she'd ever want to see him again. Phoebe didn't wait a second before pulling Monica into a hug, Joey joining. 

"We were so worried about you after you told us, Mon," Joey said, still hugging her. "We weren't sure what you were going to do, and we knew it must have been hell on you." 

Monica broke from the hug and frowned. "I'm fine."

"Really?" Phoebe asked. 

"Really," she answered. 

"Then why did you come back?" 

Monica didn't know what to say, and suddenly she realized that her eyes must have been blood-shot and puffy from crying. "Because… he didn't need me anymore." 

"And why are you crying?" Joey asked, ignoring her answer. 

"Because I'm so happy to be back!" Even to her, the answer was half-witted. 

"Don't give us this bullshit!" 

"I thought you were going to comfort me," Monica whispered. "So if you're here to tell me how I'm wrong, or how stupid I've been, then you might as well just leave." Monica went over to the couch and fell onto it, feeling the hot tears descend from her eyes and down her cheeks. Her two friends closed the door and went towards her. 

"We're sorry, Mon," Joey apologized. "We didn't mean to hurt you."

"Yeah… and don't cry. Please don't cry," Phoebe said, her tone soft. Monica looked up. 

"If I could be anything in the world, it'd be a tear," she said simply. 

"What?"

"**His **tear. So I would be born in his eyes, live on his cheeks, and die on his lips." Phoebe and Joey didn't know what to do. So they just sat there, hugging Monica, watching their friend fall apart.

"Where have you been these past few days?"

"I've just been hiding out in my… apartment. I just had some things I had to sort out."

"I understand." She smiled. 

"I missed you." 

"Even just for a few days?"

She nodded. Chandler smiled. "I missed you too, Rach."

Rachel smiled and kissed him softly. Chandler looked at her. They were at a restaurant – Rachel's favorite, to be exact. It was about a week after Monica left, and to Chandler, things were going to be okay. He had Rachel – why wouldn't they be?

"You're the best thing that ever happened to me, Chandler," Rachel whispered. 

"And you're the best thing that ever happened to me." But Chandler wasn't so sure if he was telling her the truth. _Because Monica happened to him_. 

"Chandler?" Rachel interrupted his thoughts, sensing his mind was far. Chandler quickly sat up straight and smiled. 

"Hmm?" he mumbled as he took her hands, intertwining his fingers with hers. Rachel smiled. 

"What are you thinking about?" 

Chandler kept up his smile, but inside he didn't know what to tell her. How could he tell her that Monica was on his mind?

"You." 

But he felt guilty even saying it. Because all his mind was telling him was, _I wonder what she's doing now. I wonder if she's okay… I wish she were here._ And those thoughts swarmed in his head the entire evening. 

-~-

__

I wonder what he's doing now. 

No, on second thought… he's probably with Rachel. 

Monica sat on her couch, hugging her knees to her chest. She heard a knock on the door but ignored it. 

"Mon! We know you're in there! You can't stay in there forever!" It was Ross. 

"Come out – please!" Phoebe's voice sounded desperate. 

"Being alone is **not **the answer!" Joey's voice was soft, pleading. Monica shook her head. 

"Well… I think it is," she said, her voice shaky. Tears fell down her face and she did nothing to stop them. 

"You need to talk. To someone… anyone." 

Monica didn't reply. 

"Come on, you've been locked up in there for a week! You need to talk to someone." 

__

Yeah, and that someone is Chandler. 

"We're not leaving until you tell us what you're feeling!"

Monica sighed and went over to the door. She put the chain-lock on it and unlocked the door. 

"I'm fine. Everything is _fine. _I'm _fine_!" 

"Don't tell us that everything is fine!" Ross raged. Monica shook her head. 

"Mon… you can sit there for a week, crying, and tell us that everything is fine?" Phoebe asked, ignoring Ross's outburst. 

"What do you care, anyway?" Monica asked. 

"We care a lot. A whole lot." 

"Then show it and leave me alone." 

"Not until you give us some answers!" Joey pleaded. Monica sighed. 

"Fine." 

"Thank you!"

"What kind of answers?" 

Phoebe looked down at her hands. "How long?" 

"How long?" Monica repeated, confused. 

"How long have you had feelings for Chandler?" 

"I – well…" Monica stopped short and glanced at Ross. "What does it matter?" 

"Please… you promised us answers." 

"For ten years," she whispered. The three gasped. 

"You've been hiding it for that long?" Phoebe was asking all of the questions. 

"What does it matter?" she asked again. 

"Does he know?" 

"No." 

"You've been hiding this from him for ten years?" 

"Yes." 

"Why?" Phoebe asked softly. 

"I didn't want to ruin our friendship. Or his life." 

"Do you know if he feels the same?" 

"Of course he doesn't feel the same. He has… _her_."

"How have you been able to keep it a secret for so long?" 

Monica hesitated. "Hey… this is more than just a few questions!" 

Phoebe nodded. "Okay." She paused, but looked up at Monica once more. "Can _I _at least come in and talk to you?" 

Monica shook her head. "I don't… no. I need to be alone." 

"No you don't! We're here to help you!" 

"I don't _need _help!" Monica quickly shut the door and locked it once more. She didn't _need _help. At least… that's what she's been telling herself. Monica sighed and ran her fingers through her hair. _I need him back… I need my heart back… I need my life back. _

Cold, wet rain splattered across his face, but he barely noticed it. What was he doing? Where was his life going? He needed an answer, but couldn't seem to find one. Monica used to be the one who told him all he needed to know. 

"Chandler?" Chandler turned around and smiled. 

"Hey." 

"What are you doing in the rain?" 

"Nothing, Rach. Just taking a walk," he replied, slipping his hands into hers. 

"Mind if I join you?" she asked, already knowing the answer. Chandler didn't reply but just walked on, his hand still holding hers. "What are you thinking about?" 

"Oh… old friends," Chandler managed. He swallowed and forced a smile. "You know… old-time buddies?" 

Rachel nodded. "Who?" 

"Just… you know… friends." 

Rachel nodded once more and shivered. Chandler noticed this and took off his jacket, putting it over her shoulders. 

"Cold?" he asked, rubbing her shoulders, still walking. Rachel nodded. "Hey Rach?"

"Hmmm?" 

"What would you do if your best friend left you?" 

Rachel took a moment to answer. "I'd go back to her." 

"But… what if you can't? What if you've found your soulmate, who lives in… say, Alabama… and your friend went to New York?" 

"Why do you need to know this, Chandler? Did someone leave you?" Rachel asked, seemingly concerned. Chandler shook his head. 

"No, no… nothing like that." Chandler smiled, but Rachel knew it was a forged one. 

"Chandler… are you hiding something from me?" 

"Never," Chandler whispered. "It's just – I, my best friend… Joey… I told you about him, right?" 

"Yeah."

"Well… he – he finally found the love of his life. Isn't that amazing? And, well… his best friend left him. To Alabama. What should he do?"

"I thought you were his best friend…"

"Well, I am. But she… she knew everything about him. She was a different friend." 

"Well… why can't the girl he's dating come with him?"

"She thinks they used to date…" 

"Oh." 

"So what should he do? Be with the love of his life or his best friend?" Chandler was desperate now. 

"Has he ever had feelings for the friend?" Rachel questioned. Chandler shrugged. 

"I – I don't think so…" 

"Then he should stay with the woman." 

"Really?" 

"Yeah. I mean… if this woman really is the love of his life… he could always get another friend." 

Chandler nodded, but he wasn't so sure if she was right. Nonetheless… he made up his decision. 

Whether he was right or wrong, he was going to stay. 

To be continued…

I know, this took **forever **to post up. But I've had writers block a little… and I'm still very busy. Expect the nest chapter sooner. Please review… you know by now. ;). Hopefully I'll post the next chapter after some good reviews. And thank you all for being patient with me. 


	7. Chapter 7: I See You, I Feel You

**__**

Chapter Seven 

Her eyes just didn't cry anymore. She figured it was because of all the crying she'd done in the past two months away from him, but there was no way to tell why tears just didn't come. Even when she felt the pain rip at her heart, which was every day, she didn't feel so much as one tear. And this was good… it made people think that she was doing okay. It made everybody think she was doing fine… that she'd moved on. Even if none of it was true. 

Every day became a routine. Living didn't seem like living anymore. There were no more tears, but the suffering, the heartache… it was enough to make her collapse. Yet she had no intention of giving up. She wouldn't give up… not when she promised herself she wouldn't… not after the ten years she stayed strong. But every day she found it harder to stay secure. She needed a reason to hold onto life. She used to know happiness. She used to have a reason. That reason was gone. And now she was left alone with nothing at all. 

Monica held her arms around her knees and buried her face. This was _not _living. She didn't do anything anymore. Monica got up and turned on the radio. She sighed when she heard the words to the song playing. 

__

Young girl, don't cry I'll be right here when your world starts to fall 

Young girl, it's all right 

Your tears will dry, you'll soon be free to fly 

When you're safe inside your room, you tend to dream 

Of a place where nothing's harder than it seems 

No one ever wants or bothers to explain 

Of the heartache life can bring and what it means 

Monica shook her head. "It's not alright," she muttered as if speaking to the radio, "I'll never be free to fly." 

She'd heard the song millions of times before, years ago. Then she didn't bother to listen to the meaning of the words. "Silly love songs… silly heartbreak songs. They're such bullshit."

When Monica heard the phone ring, she jumped. No one called her for four weeks, and she wasn't exactly expecting anyone to soon. She let it ring until she heard the message being played back to her. 

__

"Hey Mon, it's Phoebe. I'm coming over. **Please** let me in when I come… you need to talk to someone. And I won't lecture you about your feelings for him. I'm just going to try to help." 

"No one can help me!" Monica cried, not even caring that nobody could hear her. But she heard the desperation in her friend's voice, so she went over to the door and unlocked it. Within a few minutes, Monica heard the door open and close, but she didn't bother to turn her head from the couch, stop hugging her knees, or even greet Phoebe. When she sat down next to Monica, Monica remained silent. 

"You know this isn't healthy for you," Phoebe started. She started this way because there _was _no other way. She was shocked to see her best friend in the condition she was in. There were dark circles under her eyes, she lost much weight, her hair was knotty, she was wearing her pajamas, and Phoebe saw that the spark once in her eyes was gone. There was no more happiness, determination, or sparkle in them. There was just _pain. _Pain and fear. 

"You told me you wouldn't lecture me," Monica shot back. 

"I'm not. I'm helping you."

"Like I told you a month earlier, I don't need help." Monica shifted her eyes from her friend to her hands to straight-ahead. She kept her eyes focused on the TV set in front of her, although it was turned off. Monica knew that Phoebe could see right through her by her eyes. She didn't want her to see all of the pain built up inside of her. 

"Okay, I respect your opinion, Mon. I do. But… just think logically for one second. If you didn't need help, you'd be able to leave the apartment. You'd change out of your PJ's and you wouldn't have an empty fridge just because for two months, you haven't seen outside. You haven't seen life. Can you _honestly _sit there and tell me that you don't need help? Mon, you're not living. All you're doing to tell us that you _are _still with us is breathing. You're not even eating anymore! Why would you do this to yourself?" 

Monica shook her head. "I'm not doing _anything _to myself."

"Mon, who are you turning to be? I just… I don't even understand you anymore," Phoebe whispered gently. She sadly smiled and put her arm around Monica's shoulders. 

"You don't understand me? Well, then walk a day in my shoes, feel what I feel, then realize why I do what I do."

"I'm sorry, Mon. Well, then… just tell me, what are you waiting for in life?" 

"I'm not waiting for anything… because I'm not expecting much." Monica finally stood up and paced back and forth. Phoebe stood up with her. 

"Mon, he can't be the love of your life! Why don't you just try and love someone else? Maybe you'll see that you were wrong." 

"Why love a thousand guys when you could love one guy a thousand ways?" Monica went over to the window and looked out. The stars were bright and the city was bustling with energy. Monica sighed. There wasn't a person in the world that knew how she felt. She was alone. Monica put her fingers to the cold glass. "I'm trying to erase a name out of my heart that shouldn't be there anymore. But… it's just so difficult. When I close my eyes… all I can see is the times he made me smile. But when I open them, all of the pain rushes back to me, tearing me down." Monica fell down and buried her face in her hands.

__

Tears just didn't come anymore…

**__**

-~-

Ten roses… 

Chandler touched the soft, silky pedals and sighed. Who would send them to him? When he first saw them he smiled, thinking it was Rachel. Then he realized that it couldn't have been her. He sighed once more and put the flowers into a large cup of water. Monica was the only one that knew where he was staying. But then again, she probably told the others anyway. Chandler figured that it must have been one of them. He hadn't seen the gang in months… or even talked to them. He took out his cell phone and dialed the familiar digits. 

"Hello?"

"Hey Ross," Chandler greeted, uncertain. He hadn't heard Ross's voice in months… the months seeming like years. 

"Chandler… is that you? Wow, I thought you'd never call!" At least his voice sounded relieved. 

"Yeah, about that…"

"No need to explain. You have a love to complete, I understand that." 

"Yeah… so Monica told you all about her, huh?" 

"Sure she did. Right when you found her… she called us every week." 

Chandler sat on the bed and lifted his feet into it. "Yeah, she really is a great friend, isn't she? Always doing what she's supposed to. How – how is she?"

"Umm…" Chandler heard Ross hesitate. "She's fine," Ross finally decided to say. 

"Good," Chandler whispered. "Do you have any idea why she left me?" 

"She didn't leave _you. _She just left California."

"Well then why did she leave California?" 

"You don't need her anymore… you have your own girl." 

__

But I do need her. "Yeah… I guess you have a point." 

"How are you Chandler?" 

"I'm – fine. Happy as can be. But I've got to say… I miss you all." 

"Yeah, well we miss you too. But we weren't the ones that left our closest friends for some stupid dream," Ross said, sounding both hurt and angry. 

Chandler felt a stab of both pain and guilt hit him. He knew Ross was right. "I – I'm still going to see you guys." 

"Yeah, like once a year." 

"I know it won't be the same… but I'm happy," Chandler told his friend, trying to make him understand. 

"Are you?" 

"What?"

"Are you really, truly happy?"

"Yes!" 

"Then what's with your tone? Why does it sound so downhearted?" 

"Ross, don't get on my nerves. I'm happy, that's all that matters."

"Tell me straight out that you're happy." 

"I'm happy! What's with you, Ross?" Chandler asked, surprised by Ross's confrontation. 

"Why are you happy?" Ross asked, ignoring Chandler's last remark. 

"Because of Rachel. I think I'm in love with her."

"And why do you love her?" 

"I – Ross, what's with the third degree?" Chandler heard Ross take a deep breath and sigh. 

"Answer me, Chandler," Ross said, sounding surprisingly demanding. 

"I – I don't know. She's the woman in my dreams, that's why," Chandler answered. 

"Is that all?" 

"What do you mean? That's why I love her…" 

"You mean she has no qualities that make you love her?" 

"I love lots of things about her, okay? Why are you asking all of these questions?" 

"Why are you being so protective? You'd tell Monica all of this stuff," Ross said, trying to make a point. 

Chandler felt a tear form in his eye just at the mention of the closeness they used to have. "Yeah, you're right, I would. But you're not Monica."

Ross took a deep breath once more. "Why, Chandler?" he whispered. Chandler sat there for a few minutes, not understanding Ross's reaction.

"What?"

"Never mind," Ross said. 

"Ross, what's going on? Why are you acting so differently?" 

"Just forget it." 

"Fine," Chandler said, his turn to sound irritated. He stood up from the bed and walked over to the window, remembering the day she left him. 

"Why are you so close to Monica?" Ross asked, ruining Chandler's train of thought. 

"Wow, that'll take a while," Chandler joked, shrugging off the fact that he was avoiding the subject of Monica. 

"I'm serious, Chandler. Tell me." 

"I – really?"

"Yes."

"Well… why shouldn't we be? We've known each other for ten years. Monica's always been there for me. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't see her, when I didn't laugh with her. She's beautiful… her eyes… you can get lost in them. Whenever I was upset, I'd go to her for comfort, and just seeing her deep, blue eyes made me forget why I was even upset…" Chandler trailed off, remembering just months ago. 

"Go on," Ross whispered. 

"And her smile… it lit up your world even at the darkest of places. She knows what to say whenever you need comforting. And you could never get mad at her… I don't think I've ever been mad at her. And her burning pride makes her all the greatest. Her competitiveness shows her true nature… and she doesn't care what other's think about her. I could never do that. Her hands are perfect… they fit around mine as if they were made to be there. But the greatest quality about her…" Chandler sighed and looked away from the window. He traced his fingers over the paper with her perfect, round letters. 

"Yeah?" Ross said, his voice begging him to continue. 

"When I look up she's the brightest star. She's my colored picture in a world of black and white." Chandler put the note down and shifted his eyes to the ten roses. _He's known her for ten years…_ "Where is she?" 

"Monica? She – she's in your – _her _apartment."

"Where are you? Are you with her? Can I talk to her?" Chandler frantically asked.

"Ok, calm down. First, my apartment. You called me, remember? Second, no. Third, no."

"Why can't I talk to her?" Chandler questioned, desperate to hear her voice. 

"She's not here." 

"Ok. Well, I have to go. Can you tell everyone I said hi?"

"Sure. Bye… call us."

"I will. Bye," Chandler said, and hung up the phone. He put his cell down and looked at the flowers. He went to pick one up but pricked his finger. Chandler silently cursed himself and reached out for the rose once more. _Ten years… ten roses. _Chandler picked up his phone once more. When he dialed the numbers, he listened to the phone ring, then the machine come on. He left his message and hung up his phone once more. Chandler sat on the small chair and ran his fingers through his hair when he realized what he'd just done. 

__

When asked why he loved Rachel, he said it was because of a dream. 

When asked why he was so close to Monica, he couldn't stop listing the reasons. 

Chandler stared at the rose. _When I close my eyes at night, I realize that no one ever could ever take your place. _Chandler wasn't so sure who he was directing this to… Rachel or Monica. 

__

My life, my love, my friend. 

-~-

Monica heard her the beep on her machine, indicating that she had a new message. Monica looked over at Phoebe, who looked back at her expectantly. 

"Do you want me to play it?" Phoebe asked, already walking toward the phone. Monica shrugged, so Phoebe hit the 'messages' sign.

__

"You have two new messages."

Monica sighed and pushed her face into the cushions of the couch, lying on her stomach. It was probably just Ross and Joey. 

__

"Hey Mon, it's Ross. Mon? Mon? Pick up, please. I have something I need to tell you."

Monica heard the beep, crawled over to the machine, and deleted the message. 

__

"You have one new message."

Monica knew it was Joey, or it was just Ross calling again. She put her finger near the delete button, preparing to dispose the message. She heard the beep again, telling her the message was playing. When there was complete silence for a few seconds, Monica took her fingers away from the delete button. She waited a few more seconds, then heard the voice. 

__

"No matter what, we're going to stick together. Because when I said best friends… I meant forever."

Monica's heart flipped at the sound of Chandler's voice. Monica looked desperately at Phoebe, silently asking her, "What next?" She stood up from the couch and paced from the kitchen to the TV and back. Phoebe followed Monica. 

"What now?" Monica finally asked out loud, turning to Phoebe. Phoebe sighed and played with her fingers. 

"What do you mean?"

"Phoebe! Did you not hear? Chandler…" Monica cut herself short, letting Phoebe pick the choice of words for the rest of the sentence. 

"He called, so?" Phoebe said, trying to play dumb, so maybe Monica would realize it wasn't a big deal. Her plan didn't work. 

"He called," Monica whispered. She went over to the machine and re-played the message a few times, listening to his voice intently. She was going to keep the message. She wasn't going to forget the sound of Chandler's voice. Monica sighed. "Why does he have to do this to me? Why couldn't he just completely ignore me?" Monica went over to the back of the couch and sat onto the floor, hugging her knees. She rocked herself slowly back and forth.

"Mon, you can forget about him. Just delete the message, and you'll start your own life. Forget about him, he'll forget about you!"

"Do you actually expect me to do that? I can't, Phoebes. You don't just love someone deeply for ten years and forget about him. I don't care if he forgets about me. I just know that I'll never forget about him." Monica stopped rocking herself but remained on the floor and hugging her knees. 

"But you can…"

"Phoebe, I'd like to be alone right now," Monica whispered. She wasn't mad at Phoebe… she just needed to be by herself. 

"Please, don't-"

"No, Phoebe… please. _Please._"

Phoebe sighed. "Fine. When can I come back?"

"Not soon, Phoebe. Please, just don't call me, don't come here, don't worry about me," Monica begged, her voice low. She got up walked over to the door. 

Phoebe followed her. "Okay. But please… promise this one thing…"

"Yeah?" 

"Don't hurt yourself. Promise me you'll start eating, you'll get out. Please." 

"No, Phoebe. I'm doing fine. I'm okay, I'm not hurting." It even sounded ridiculous to her. 

Phoebe decided to leave the fact alone. "Whatever you say, Mon." Phoebe hugged Monica tightly, shutting her eyes. "Goodbye." 

"Bye," Monica said, hugging her back. Without another word, Phoebe left the apartment, leaving Monica alone. Phoebe was there for about two hours, trying to convince Monica to get over Chandler. Nothing she said made Monica change her mind or her feelings. Monica slowly walked over to the balcony and climbed out onto it, not caring that it was pouring rain. She needed Chandler. Hearing the message just made things worse. She looked down at the city and traced her fingers over the edge of the balcony. There were days when Monica and Chandler would sit out in the rain and watch the view. Monica would be huddled in Chandler's arms and they would laugh at each other when seeing how wet they were. There were other sunny days where they threw water balloons at the people below them, laughing at the people's expressions. Monica sighed and looked to the back, right, and left of her. 

__

Nope, this time there's no Chandler. He's not here with you… you're alone. Now you have to face rainy days without being huddled in his arms. Now you need to live without him.

-~-

Rachel kissed the tip of Chandler's nose, smiling. Chandler smiled back, but he didn't feel anything. Everything was mechanical – his movements, his words… everything except his thoughts. Wait… he was supposed to be enjoying this, wasn't he? Here he was with his soulmate, and all he could think about were roses. Stupid, thorny roses. Chandler kissed Rachel, thinking it'd make his thoughts turn to her. 

It didn't. 

"Hey, Rach? Want to go for a walk?" Chandler asked, wanting fresh air. Rachel nodded, so Chandler took her hand and walked out the door. "Beautiful day, isn't it?" He wanted to start a conversation, any conversation. 

"Sure is," Rachel nodded. 

Then silence. 

"Just… y'know, out of curiosity… do you like hockey?" Chandler surprised even himself with his question. 

"No, I never found it amusing to watch bruised up men whack at each other with sticks," Rachel yawned. 

__

Monica used to like hockey. Monica and I always watched games together. Chandler shook his head from his thoughts. 

"Do you like dogs?" 

Rachel shook her head. "I'm more of a cat person."

__

Dogs were Monica's and my favorite animal. 

"What about the park?"

"We're too old to be playing in parks… that's the way I see it."

__

Monica never thought we were too old to do anything. 

"Do you like the clean?"

"Nah, I'm more of the laid back kind of gal," Rachel smiled. 

__

This one goes without saying. Chandler smiled to himself. 

"What about… comedians?"

"They joke too much," Rachel shook her head. 

__

Monica didn't mind comedians… she didn't mind me. She loved comedians.

Suddenly, Chandler stopped walking. He was comparing his soulmate to his best friend… what as going on? 

"Chandler?" Rachel asked, worried. 

"No, I'm fine," Chandler replied and continued walking. Rachel didn't ask any questions. 

__

Monica would have been genuinely concerned. 

-~-

She walked back into the apartment soaked. She didn't bother to notice that the floor now was dripping wet – Chandler was the only thing on her mind, now and always. Monica sighed. Is this how she was going to live her life? 

__

Obviously, there's no other way.

Monica fell to the floor and put her hands to her face. She closed her eyes, but all she could she was Chandler, standing there, kissing her. Monica opened her eyes and looked around her. No, Chandler was still in California. With Rachel. Monica stood up and walked over to the door to the right of the TV. She stopped in front of it. Would going in his room bring more pain? Or would it relieve her suffering? Monica shook her head. She knew one thing: she needed a memory of Chandler. A picture, a note… anything. Even in 20 years, she'd have something to remember him by. 

__

Before, I wished that in twenty years my future would be with Chandler. But now that Chandler found his soulmate, not casting me a second glance, I have no reason to live. 

Where did all of her happiness she once knew so well go? No, she knew the answer to that one. Chandler was the only happiness she knew… so her happiness was happy with somebody else. Monica slowly turned the knob and entered the room. The scent of Chandler swept her body, causing Monica to gasp. It was so… Chandler. She walked to his bed and laid down on it. For years, she wished she'd be able to lie down in this bed as Chandler's wife. It never happened. Monica took a pillow with her and walked over to the dresser. There, in the very middle, was a picture of Monica and Chandler hugging. Monica sadly smiled and took the picture. That was all she needed to feel a sob escape her throat … a tearless sob. Monica ran out of the room and fell onto the couch. She laid the pillow down and put the picture onto the coffee table. Since the pillow smelled like Chandler, Monica buried her face in it and sighed. Did she deserve this? Monica got up from the couch and slouched over to the kitchen. All of a sudden, Monica found herself swinging at glasses, throwing everything in sight at the floor. 

"Why?" she yelled. "Why can't Chandler be here with me? _Why!?" _Monica took a cup and threw it against the wall, watching it shatter. That's what was happening to Monica. She was shattering… collapsing… her world was gone. Monica took plates and threw them against the floor. "I need him!" Monica shouted. All of a sudden, Monica fell to her knees and felt a single tear roll down her cheek. That was it… that was what caused Monica to cry for the first time in six weeks. _Seeing his face, hearing his voice… remembering everything that she used to have. _More tears fell down, the small tears forming into sobs. "I need him," she said to herself. "I don't know what to do." Monica pushed the broken pieces of glass away, but one small piece cut her finger. Monica winced. Monica looked at the blood running down her fingers and back at the glass. After a few more times of looked back and forth, Monica stood up, tears still falling.

Monica took it from the counter and stared at the cold, smooth metal. 

Monica sighed and closed her eyes, only to see Chandler. 

Monica put the handle in her right hand and stopped for one minute. 

All of the thoughts of losing Chandler stored in Monica's mind. She lost him… she had nothing to live for. 

Monica held the knife to her wrist and sighed. 

__

What was the reason of living if you don't have anything to live for? 

"I just wish you saw how perfect we could have been," Monica whispered. "I'll always love you. I meant forever, too, when I said best friends."

She sliced the sharp knife into her flesh. 

And she watched the blood pour out. 

She sliced her other wrist. 

And watched the blood gush. 

She held the knife to her arm.

And cut it open. 

She held the knife in front of her.

And plunged it towards her. 

To be continued… 

I know, I'm sorry it took SO long! And just bear with me with the ending… I hope you still like it. I'm hoping for the next chapter to come a lot quicker than this once. Let me know what you think about this chapter and if I should continue or not. Review… it's the only way I'll know if you liked it! Sorry this chapter wasn't too good… I hope you don't start hating the series. Please give it a chance!


	8. Chapter 8: Life Isn't Fair

**__**

Chapter Eight 

"I'm listening," Chandler replied as he sipped a glass of wine. But he wasn't listening, not even a little bit. 

"Are you really? You've been so distant lately… is there something wrong?" Chandler heard the tone in her voice so decided not to worry her. 

"No, I'm listening. Go on… tell me what was so important." Chandler sighed and traced his finger around the rim of the glass. She was right, of course. Lately he didn't listen to anything. Things had been so complicated for him… and he was missing Monica so much. 

"Well-"

"You know… it's funny," Chandler cut Rachel off. Rachel stopped her sentence and looked at Chandler strangely. 

"What? What is?" Rachel asked, her voice mirroring her expression. Chandler almost laughed; whenever him and Monica threw water balloons at people below their balcony, that was exactly the look the people had on their faces. Chandler smiled. 

"Well, it's just funny… that you never fully appreciate people once they're gone." 

"What? Where did this come from? Did someone leave you?" Rachel looked around nervously as if looking for someone. 

"Yeah, someone did. My best friend… she was the best, and I never understood how much she meant to me," Chandler murmured. "I love her so much – as a friend, of course. And I never got to tell her thank you." 

Rachel looked at Chandler confused. She had no idea what to tell him. "Why didn't you tell me this before?" Rachel whispered, reaching both of her hands across the table and holding his. Chandler looked down at their intertwined fingers and sighed. He no longer felt the warmth of her hands, the feeling of security around her that he once had. Everything was going fine before Monica left… but this actually made him open up his eyes a little bit more. He might as well been a whole different person back _then_. _Then_, meaning when Monica was around. Chandler shook his head, realizing that she asked a question. 

"What?" he asked, not quite sure just what the question was. 

"Never mind," Rachel sighed. She looked away from Chandler for a second but looked right back at him. "You never seem to listen to me, Chandler."

"I do, I'm sorry." 

"Well you seem to be thinking a whole lot more about her than me," Rachel shot, aggravated. 

"That's because you're right here! She's _gone_!" Chandler yelled, unaware that people began to glance at their table. "She's never going to come back. She might as well be dead!"

"Chandler, you seem to love her," Rachel murmured, not looking at him once. Chandler looked at her surprised. 

"No, I love you." It was the first time he said it to her – his first time, and he didn't even mean it. 

"Bullshit, Chandler. It's all bullshit. This must be why you've been so distant lately. You want her back, don't you?" 

"Of course I do, she's my best friend." 

"Chandler, you know… I do have a very good memory."

"Yeah… okay." Chandler looked at her curiously. 

"She seems to love you, too," Rachel whispered. 

"No she-" Chandler suddenly stopped. How would she know her?

"Have you ever dated?"

"No…"

"Chandler… I remember Monica telling me you were best friends."

* * *

"Have you seen Monica?" Ross asked Phoebe as she entered his apartment. Phoebe shook her head. 

"Yeah, me either. I can't see her through my window… I saw her go over to the kitchen about an hour ago." 

"You've been watching her?" Phoebe asked angrily. Phoebe's narrowed eyes widened. "And you haven't seen her since an hour ago? Do you think she left the apartment?"

"She hasn't since she came… unless you talked her into it," Ross explained, a hint of hope in his voice. Phoebe sighed and sat next to Ross. 

"No, I didn't manage to talk her into anything. Not even to eat… or change. She must really love him," Phoebe whispered. "Y'know… this is all so surreal… these past months… nothing seems real. It's like we're just dreaming, and any minute we could wake up." Ross didn't seem to be listening. 

"Ross?" 

"If Monica never left the apartment, then why was she in the kitchen for so long? Do you think she fell asleep at the kitchen table?"

"That's the most likely solution." Phoebe stood up and went over to Ross's window, trying to look for Monica. She was nowhere in sight. "Maybe you just missed her go into her room."

"No, I've been looking the whole hour," Ross said, his voice seemingly worried. Phoebe picked up on his voice and sighed. 

"Why are you so worried, Ross? It's not like she could do anything."

Ross stared at the window, his mind somewhere else. "Because I think I saw red spilling from the kitchen."

* * *

"Chandler, where are you going?" Rachel asked, following him. 

"I'm leaving, what does it look like?" Chandler spat at her, picking up his pace. Rachel had to jog to catch up. She was nearly out of breath by the time Chandler stopped in front of his hotel. Rachel stopped and looked from the hotel to Chandler. 

"What's going on? Why are you leaving?" Rachel asked worriedly. 

"To hell with you!" Chandler raged, catching Rachel by surprise. 

"What did I ever do to you?" Rachel asked. Chandler glared at her. 

"You blinded me, that's what. How could I have been so _stupid_?" Chandler walked into the hotel, Rachel still following him. He walked up to his room and took out his key. 

"You live at a hotel?" Rachel asked sarcastically. Chandler nodded. 

"For the past four months I have." When Chandler opened the door, he quickly went to shut it to block Rachel out, but Rachel was too quick. 

"What the _hell _is going on?" Rachel screamed. All of a sudden, Rachel slapped Chandler. Chandler looked at her for a second but went right to his bags and started to pack them. Rachel's rage turned to regret. "No, wait… don't leave me Chandler!"

"You wanna know what's going on?" Chandler asked, his voice high. Rachel nodded. "Four months ago, I had a dream. A stupid dream. And in that dream, I saw my _soulmate_. Do you believe in soulmates, Rach?" Rachel shook her head. "Well I do. I believe in them, and I thought that if I found the woman in my dreams, I'd find my soulmate." Chandler paused and sat on his bed. 

"That doesn't explain-" 

"Monica was my roommate," Chandler whispered. Rachel looked shocked. 

"_What?_" 

"She's been my best friend for ten years, my roommate for nine. Well, I told her about my dream, and she was so supportive of me. She believes in soulmates, like me. Anyway, so I decided to go out to look for her. Monica came along, helping the whole time. Then I met _you. _I **thought **you were the one in my dreams, so I pretended Monica was my girlfriend to make you jealous. And I guess it worked, because I got you." Rachel stared at Chandler, stunned. She didn't know what to say, so Chandler got up and started to pack up. 

"Wait, if you think I'm your soulmate, why are you leaving me?"

"Don't you get it? You're _not _my soulmate. I don't know why I ever thought you were. I was so stupid to think you were!" Chandler went over to the dresser, took the ten roses and the note, and put them in his bag carefully. 

"Don't leave me, Chandler… you'll be making the biggest mistake of your life!" 

"No, I already made that mistake. It was watching Monica leave. So now, if you'll excuse me, I've got a plane to catch." Chandler pushed passed Rachel and opened the door.

"Where are you going? You don't have anywhere to go!" 

"I'm going to Monica." 

* * *

"Monica!" 

"Mon!"

"Open up!"

Ross, Phoebe, and Joey banged on Monica's door, screaming. Phoebe had tears in her eyes and the other two friends were close to them. _She wouldn't… why would she…?_ Joey let his thoughts end at that. "Monica, open the door!"

__

"Monica, let us in! Please!" 

"Don't do this to us!"

"You're strong, you're a fighter!"

The voices were distant, like in another world. They sounded like whispers that were trying to yell. It was like she was waking up from a dream, but she wasn't waking up. The blood ran continuously. She lied there motionlessly. No one could save her now. No one could save her eight weeks ago. Now all that would follow would be an eternity in darkness. _Death_. She was trapped in her apartment, in her body. Her mind was aching to be strong, but her soul was begging to give up. Well, it was too late anyway. It was too late for her. She'd already given up on everything: her friends, her Chandler, her life. She never thought that this would be the way she'd die. She always figured it would be when she was an old, old lady, safe in Chandler's arms. 

__

But here she was, dying because of herself. 

Monica couldn't move at all, but she could see. She could see blurred objects, and she could see that she was on the floor. She could see the deep, velvety blood that surrounded her. Monica moved her eyes and looked at the knife right next to her, also covered in the fluid. 

__

And she could see that her life was soon going to be over. 

Monica slowly, but painfully, closed her eyes. This was it.

* * *

"Let – me – in!" Chandler huffed. He was shaking all over… he wasn't sure what he was doing. "Let me…" Chandler let that one trail. 

"Sir, please calm down. If you don't have a ticket, you can't be on here." Chandler glared at the woman. 

"I don't care! I'll give you all of my money if you let me on! Here," Chandler said, pulling out his credit cards. "Please, can you help me? I need to see her." 

"Her?" 

"Monica… I was so stupid, I can't believe I just let her leave. I _need _her." Chandler buried his face in his hands. When he looked back up, tears were in his eyes. "Please, the sooner I get to her, the sooner things will fall back into place."

The woman looked at him and sighed. "Fine, I'll get you a ticket." She left and no sooner came back. She handed him the ticket and Chandler smiled gratefully. 

"How much?" he asked, still holding out his credit cards. She sighed again and took a Visa. When she handed him the ticket, Chandler thanked her and ran straight to the plane. He quickly pushed passed the crowd of people and found his seat. When he was finally able to sit down, Chandler took out the note Monica wrote to him and read it over. He sighed and noticed the tears in his eyes. 

"I'm coming, Mon," he whispered. Soon, the plane took off and Chandler was just one step closer to Monica.

Chandler looked out the window and noticed it started to rain. The drops started out narrow, but ended on the hard, solid ground round and full. Chandler put his finger up to the small, rounded plane window and sighed. Still, he couldn't believe he'd been so blind. It was then that Chandler realized that he didn't even _like _Rachel all that much. Rachel was just an excuse, a 'dream girl.' Why he let Monica leave him was still a mystery to him, but he knew that he'd never let it happen again. Amidst all of the noise around him – the children screaming, woman fighting over the last seat, men patting each other's backs, greeting each other – Chandler closed his eyes, silence sweeping him to a different place. Within minutes, he fell asleep. He didn't notice anything around him, he didn't feel anything. The darkness he provided turned into a scene – it looked like his and Monica's apartment. It was raining there, too, and Chandler noticed that the apartment was surprisingly dark. When he looked around, he also noticed shattered plates and something spilling. He went closer to the kitchen and noticed a form lying on the ground. When he stepped just a little bit closer, he let out a blood-curling scream. 

There he saw Monica's body covered in blood, a knife right beside her. 

* * *

The door was starting to wear down, but they weren't near opening it. They'd been trying to break it open for hours, but all proving to be worthless. 

"**Monica**!" Ross cried out one last time before falling to the ground and putting his hands to his face. It was no use… they couldn't help her. That is… if there even was something wrong with her. Maybe she was sleeping… or maybe she just didn't want to talk. She has been, in fact, shelled away from the world for the past eight weeks. Maybe he was just being paranoid. Ross shook his head. Who was he kidding? 

"What's the point?" Joey whispered. Phoebe and Ross both jumped, surprised by his tone of voice. 

"Excuse me?" Phoebe asked, seemingly irritated. "What, you don't think this is all worth it to save our best friend's life?" 

Joey shook his head. "How do we even know anything is wrong with her?" he asked, as if reading Ross's thoughts. 

"We _worry, _that's what friends _do._" 

"Yeah, well maybe a little bit too much," Joey replied, holding his hands into tight fists. His face was already paler than it should have been, and his eyes danced with worry. 

"You can never worry too much! That is, if you're really a friend!" 

Joey tilted his head down. He felt a hot sting of pain rush through him. Maybe it was a tear – he didn't know the difference. "Monica's a big girl. She can care for herself." 

"You haven't seen her! She's not the fighter we once knew so well. Her hair is messed up, she's in her PJ's, she's way too thin anybody should be, and she no longer has that spark in her that we all loved her for."

"She… she would never do anything to herself." Joey leaned against the wall and wiped his hand over his face. 

"I wish I could believe you, Joe. But… she told me she has nothing to live for."

"Well… if she… leaves us… then we'll have nothing to live for."

He was right. They both were.

* * *

A scream filled the air around him and he shot his eyes open. Chandler jumped out of his seat, but then noticed he wasn't in his apartment. He looked around for the bloody body, but only the blue carpet covered the floor. Chandler slowly sat back down and sighed. He leaned his head back on the seat. That image was too real to be a dream. But then again… he'd always been weird about dreams. Chandler closed his eyes once more.

Before his eyes were even fully closed, the blood flashed before him. 

The knife shot across his image. 

The body appeared, but in a split second, it was gone. 

Chandler quickly reopened his eyes and kept them wide open. Not once did something like _that _happen to him. He felt like he was there… like he was a part of it all. And the fact that it was Monica who was on the floor didn't exactly sooth his thoughts. Without noticing, Chandler began to sweat. Now the image wouldn't leave his mind. When he looked at the blue carpet, he saw the blood. When he looked at anything someone was holding, he saw the knife. When he saw any person, he saw the mangled body of Monica. 

"Sir?" 

Chandler jumped, and suddenly noticed he was shaking like crazy. Chandler looked up and saw a man looking down at him, but immediately he saw Monica's bleeding face. Chandler felt the tears come and shook his head. 

"I – I'm – f… - I'm fi- fine," Chandler stuttered. The man shrugged and walked away. Chandler looked out the window, hoping the steady beat of the raindrops would calm him – it didn't. He was shaking more than ever, sweat poured down his face like the rain outside, and tears fell, mixing into the sweat. 

__

Death. 

The word flashed into his mind like the past images. 

__

"I'll always love you. I meant forever, too, when I said best friends."

It was Monica's voice, and he literally looked around for her. But what scared him to the bone was… she wasn't there, but he _felt _her there. Chandler sighed and laid his head against the soft chair. He was just imagining things. Not one dream, not even his 'soulmate dream,' had this much effect on him. And this scared him. 

So, for the rest of the way… instead of looking forward to seeing Monica, he was dreading what he would find. 

* * *

Chandler took the bouquet of roses and smiled. He was so close to Monica now… only minutes away. Before in the plane he'd decided to leave the dream as just that… a dream. He already made the mistake from his other one, so he decided his mind just had a way of playing tricks with him. Chandler shivered. It was raining… not usual rain, but rain coming down so fast it pricked his skin. He could barely even see the crowded sidewalks, instead seeing the sheets of water pouring down onto him. Chandler rubbed his arms and quickened his pace. When he finally reached the apartment building, he stood in front of it for a few minutes, looking at it. He missed everything so much, and now that he was back… he never wanted to leave. Chandler finally went inside and upstairs. 

* * *

Ross, Phoebe, and Joey sat in the middle of the hall, thinking. They couldn't do anything… anything except wait. They didn't know what they were waiting for. They didn't care what they were waiting for. They just _were. _

Mostly they were waiting to wake up and let this nightmare be over.

It didn't happen. 

* * *

Chandler slowly and carefully walked up the stairs. The gang were probably over Monica's, eating or laughing together. And soon he'd finally be laughing along with them. When Chandler reached the floor his apartment was on, he was surprised to see Ross, Joey, and Phoebe sitting in the middle between apartment 19 and 20. He crept up behind them. 

"Guys?" Chandler whispered, causing the three to jump. They all turned around, and Chandler could instantly read their shocked expressions. Phoebe instantaneously stood up and went over to Chandler. 

"Cha – Chandler? Is… is that really you?" she whispered. Chandler looked at her and nodded. 

"Sure is," he smiled. Phoebe's eyes narrowed, and out of nowhere, she slapped him. 

"You bastard! Why would you do that to her?" Phoebe yelled, taking Chandler by surprise. Joey and Ross went over to Phoebe and looked at Chandler in the same way. 

"What did I do?" Chandler asked, confused. The three's gazes softened, but they still had that hard look in their eyes. 

"You're right… it's not your fault," Ross sighed. 

"What, what's not my fault?" he asked, looking from Phoebe to Ross to Joey, then back. 

"Nothing." The three looked away from him and down to the floor. 

"You guys… I know I haven't seen you in a long time… but I'm sorry, you know that. Can you forgive me?" 

"No, that's not it…" 

"Then what the hell is?" Chandler asked, exasperated. 

"M – Monica," Phoebe muttered. 

"What about her?" Chandler asked frantically. He couldn't bare the fact that something might be wrong with her. 

"Nothing, she's just very upset without you," Ross said, leaving out just how bad she was and the fact she was in love with him. Chandler's eyes immediately showed a hurt and loving expression. 

"I'm so sorry about all of this… I really am. Is – is she bad?" Chandler asked. Everybody paused. 

"Umm… we don't know, we haven't been able to see her much," Joey decided. Chandler nodded. Suddenly, Phoebe remembered why they were even in the hall. Her face went pale and she felt light-headed. 

"Chandler… do you think you can let us in? We – we wanted to see Monica." Phoebe's mention of Monica brought everybody else's face pale, too. Chandler nodded and took out his keys. He put the keys to the lock and slowly opened the door. Being the first one to come into the apartment, Chandler's eyes widened. All he could see was the color red stained into the hard wood floor. He walked further in, allowing the others to come in. Chandler looked around, afraid. Why he was afraid, he didn't know. 

"Mon?" he yelled. He looked around and walked to the back of the small kitchen table. 

Chandler's throat tightened as if someone was choking him. He staggered around, gasping for breath. Instantly, tears came to his eyes, and his heart broke in two. 

There he saw Monica lay, with a knife beside her, covered in blood… with blood still pouring out. Chandler tottered over to her and knelt beside her. 

"Mon, what did you do to yourself?" he whispered with his last breath. 

Then, Chandler fainted beside Monica. 

__

To Be Continued…

****

Is Monica alive or dead? Dun dun dunnn… 

Ok, sorry… just had to put that there. Also, I know this chapter took the longest… my computer wasn't working too great, so it kept deleting. If my computer works, I'll get the next chapter up soon… after some reviews ;). If it doesn't work, the ninth chapter may take a while to be posted up… sorry. Anyway, review to let me know what you think and if I should continue or not. 


	9. Chapter 9: Cold

**__**

Chapter Nine

**__**

Chandler heard the faint sound of an ambulance siren. 

__

That's funny… I don't remember calling 911…

When Chandler's eyes were fully open, he noticed he was on the couch, and Joey, Ross, and Phoebe were huddled by the kitchen. No memories came back to him and his head swayed back and forth. 

"Mon, wake up," he heard Phoebe whisper. 

__

Monica? What happened… 

Suddenly, the events from the past few months rushed back to him. Chandler jumped up from the couch and ran over to his friends, ignoring the pounding pain in his head. Chandler pushed passed Joey and looked at Monica. More tears sprang to his eyes and his hand instantly reached out for hers. Despite the fact that it was cold and bloody, Chandler felt the warmth that her touch always gave him. 

"She's still alive," Chandler whispered. "She has to be." 

Phoebe and Joey looked at each other, their eyes saddened. Chandler squeezed Monica's hands reassuringly, and Phoebe could have sworn she'd heard her whimper. Chandler took out his other hand and stroked her hair, not caring it was crusted with blood, too. 

"You'll be okay, Mon," Chandler whispered to her. "Everything's going to be okay, and soon you'll wake up, safe and healthy. And I promise this time I'll stay. I'll never be so stupid again." Chandler lowered his head as if covering his face so that his friends couldn't see his tears. 

They did. 

"Life's hell without you, and I was only without you for a few months. I can't bare the thought of losing you forever. But it's okay, I won't have to. In no time at all, you'll be the happy, warm Monica we all love."

Before Chandler could say another word, the doors burst open and four paramedics came rushing in. Joey, Ross, and Phoebe cleared the way for them, but Chandler stayed to his one spot. The paramedics picked Monica up and put her on the stretcher, and Chandler heard one whisper, "This can't be good." They lead the way to the ambulance, and one of the paramedics noticed Chandler. 

"You can't come in here, follow in your car." 

Chandler shook his head stubbornly. "No, I'm coming in the ambulance with her. I'm not leaving her." The paramedic shrugged. 

"Suit yourself." 

Chandler almost laughed out loud. How could they be so inconsiderate? Did they even care that someone was dying, or was this just another paying job for them to do? Chandler climbed in the ambulance as it sped off toward the hospital. Through all of the noise, through the doctors screaming out her temperature, blood pressure, and condition, Chandler whispered comfortingly. 

"You'll be okay. Everything's going to be okay. This is all just some stupid mistake, and it'll be solved soon. You're not going to die." Tears fell from his face harshly, falling to the ground. "You'll be okay, you can get through this."

He never let go of her hand. 

* * *

The paramedics rushed through the ER's glass doors, holding the gurney that held Monica. Chandler ran along with them, staying by Monica's side. It wasn't until the paramedics told him to that he let go of her hand. They ushered Chandler outside the room and went back in. Chandler sighed and fell onto a chair. Phoebe, Joey, and Ross came rushing in, looking for where Monica went. 

Chandler did nothing to show them where he was. 

Chandler put his head to his hands and tightly shut his eyes. 

__

She's not going to die. She's okay. Nothing's going to happen to her. I won't have to live without her. Never. I'm going to die before she does. She deserves a long, full life. She doesn't deserve to die so young. 

She did this to herself because of him; he knew it. He didn't know how he knew it, he just did. Why didn't he come home sooner? It was all his fault. If he left Rachel even a day earlier, things would be so much more different. 

He was supposed to be laughing along with Monica now. He was supposed to be holding her for the first time in months. He was supposed to tell her how much she meant to him.

He was never able to. 

* * *

When a doctor came out of her room, Chandler sprang up to his feet. 

"What is it? Is she okay?" Chandler asked, practically screaming. The doctor shook his head. 

"She – well, we don't know how she'll be yet. All I can tell you is she's not dead… yet. But… we found this in her pocket. We thought you'd like to see it." The doctor handed him a small piece of paper. 

"You mean to tell me that while this woman is dying, you're searching her _clothes_?" Chandler asked, angry. The doctor shook his head. 

"In order to save her, we needed to know how she got wounded so we'll know how serious it is." The doctor went to the door. 

"She tried to kill herself," Chandler whispered, his voice solid and hard. The doctor stopped in his tracks and slowly turned around. 

"Why?" The doctor stood still in his spot. 

"Does it matter?" Chandler asked. "You said you needed to know what happened, I'm telling you. There was a knife beside her. My best friend tried to kill herself. She's in there, _dying_… and none of you seem to care. Instead, you give me this bullshit about needing to know why she's in this condition." Chandler ran his fingers through his hair and slowly sat down. 

"Look, we're all trying the best we can…"

"Then go in there and don't come out until she's safe," Chandler said, looking up. His eyes were on fire and his face was firm. Without saying another word, the doctor shook his head and walked back into the room. Chandler gripped the paper tightly, afraid. His knuckles turned white and his face red. Chandler gradually opened up the folded paper and read what it said. It was dated from yesterday's date… when Monica was still healthy. 

__

You're the reason I live and the reason I die

You're the reason I smile yet break down and cry

You're the reason I keep going and the reason I fall

But without you, my life is nothing at all

Chandler let out a quivery sigh and folded the paper back up. It was Monica's note to him. Chandler wiped a salty tear from his eye and put the paper down. Now he was sure that he was the reason she did this to herself. Chandler threw his head back and looked up at the ceiling. He closed his eyes and tried to clear his mind, but it wouldn't happen. Monica kept appearing when he closed his eyes, and when he opened them reality rushed back. Chandler just stared at the small dots that made up the ceiling, trying not to think of anything. 

__

Death.

Such a cruel word, such an inane thought. Why was it that the worst people – robbers, killers, cheaters – seemed to live the longest, but the best people died so soon? Chandler looked around the room, watching others sitting in other chairs. There was a woman weeping, being comforted by a broad man. There was another child that looked up at a man. 

"Why was Mommy brought here, Daddy? We did she fall down?" Chandler heard the child ask. Chandler shuddered. There were other people, other lives that were on the line. Other people's lives were collapsing because a loved one was dying.

But not one person felt like him. 

He knew it was selfish to think about just himself, but at least their loved ones _knew _they were loved. Monica didn't know that she was loved. Why else would she have tried to kill herself? Monica didn't know that Chandler couldn't live without her. Chandler looked at the little boy again. 

"Daddy… if something's wrong with her… she'll know we'll always love her, right?" The boy's eyes were teary and he couldn't have been more than 6 years old. 

"I hope so," Chandler whispered. He tore his eyes away from the wistful boy and looked at the door in front of him. 

Monica's life was in the hands of a doctor. Someone who graduated medical school. But not someone that could come close to understanding her or Chandler. Chandler still held the note and stared at it. 

He shred it apart and threw it into the air. He watched the small pieces of paper rise and fall. 

__

Chandler couldn't help but think of the papers as himself. 

A few months ago, life couldn't have been better. He had Monica and they were closer than ever. He didn't have any worries, and Monica was with him. He was at the top. 

Now all of a sudden he was at the bottom, with no way out. He was stuck. His best friend was dying, and he couldn't even help her. 

Chandler heard his name being called so he looked up, seeing Phoebe running over to him. He sighed and put his face back into his hands. Phoebe stood in front of him and frowned. 

"Didn't you hear us calling you?" Phoebe asked. Chandler shifted his weight and shook his head. 

"I don't listen when my best friend is dying." Chandler kicked his foot into the ground and looked up at Phoebe. "Is she going to be ok?" he asked her as if she'd have an answer. He knew she didn't. 

"I wish I knew," Phoebe whispered, sitting down next to Chandler. Chandler looked into space for a few minutes, then a sad smile crossed his face. 

"You know… ever since I met Monica, my fears changed. She taught me to never be afraid, to live up to life. Before her, I was always afraid of dying. She taught me that either way, I'm _going_ to die, so I should just live life to the fullest." Chandler glanced at Phoebe and continued, "Ever since then, I had no fears. Well, all except one. I was always afraid of Monica dying."

Phoebe shifted her eyes from left to right, not knowing what to say. Chandler looked at Phoebe with tears in his eyes. Then he looked ahead, towards Monica's door.

"I guess my biggest fear is coming true." Chandler stood up and walked over to the door, leaning his side against it. He titled his head up to prevent a rush of tears. "I never thought I'd be standing here, waiting here. I never thought that Monica would be hurt so much so young." Instead of looking at Phoebe, he looked straight in front of him. "I didn't mind not knowing where I was headed… because Monica was always there. And I thought… that as long as she was where I was headed, I'd be okay." Chandler slid to the floor and finally looked up at Phoebe. He hesitated. 

"To tell you the truth, I'm not a fighter. I've never been, and I never will be. All I ever wanted in life was someone who could understand me. I had that with Monica, and now all of a sudden it's all being taken away from me. I can't stand Monica being hurt like this. It's tearing me apart, piece by piece."

Phoebe looked at him and shook her head. "You'll get through this," she tried to console. 

"How could I… when Monica was the one that made me get through everything?" 

* * *

For the first time since he entered the ER, the room was quiet. No one was shouting, no one was crying. He was the only one in the room. Chandler stared sleepily at the door to Monica's room, wanting to sleep, but not daring to do so. He couldn't sleep while Monica was in so much pain. Chandler stood up and opened his eyes a little bit more. Chandler could hear Monica's voice ringing in his head, and he felt tears well up into his eyes yet again. Already, his eyes were bloodshot from the tears he shed for Monica, and his cheeks were stained with drips of brackish tears. And there was no stopping the pain that lingered in his heart with no way out. Chandler walked over to a doctor of Monica's that was passing by in the hallway. 

"I need to see Monica, now." His voice was firm, yet fragile. The doctor shook his head.

"No, you don't want to see her. It'll make this all worse for you. She's not in a condition that's pleasant to the eye. It'll hurt seeing her." 

Chandler shook his head. "I don't care. I need to see her. Let me in."

The doctor sighed. "There's just no getting past you, is there?"

Chandler shook his head. 

"Fine, then. But only for a little while." The doctor went over to the door and opened it for him. Chandler nodded his head towards the doctor and went inside, shutting the door behind him. He slowly walked over to Monica. 

When he was close enough to Monica to see her condition, Chandler's blood ran cold. 

Attached to her nose and mouth was an air mask. Tubes ran from her neck to her arms and legs, and her hair was still crusted with blood. An unfamiliar machine to Chandler was attached to her, keeping more blood from pouring out. There was a monitor at her head that showed a zigzagging line that told Chandler that she was still breathing, even if not on her own. Cuts were apparent all over her face, and her arms were covered in blood. There was also a cut in her shirt that the doctors ripped open, revealing a covered cut. The cut was very deep, and very bloody. It was right near her heart, but not quite through her heart. Then he noticed deep cuts by her wrists, revealing her muscle and some bone.

Chandler shuddered. 

This wasn't the same Monica that Chandler knew. Chandler shook his head. He slowly walked closer to her and sat in a chair next to her bed. Chandler wiped the tears already forming in his eyes and slowly reached out for Monica's hand. Careful not to touch any cut to hurt her, Chandler secured his hand over hers. She looked so different, but she was still the Monica he'd known for ten years. All he wanted to do was make the pain get away from her, even if the pain went to him instead. He couldn't stand the sight of Monica being hurt. 

"You'll be okay, Mon. You're not going to leave me, not again. You promised best friends forever, and there's no forever without you. And Monica Gellar never breaks her promises," Chandler whispered. He sat in the seat, still holding her hand.

"Don't you dare break your promise. Don't you dare die on me. Not now, not ever. You were always the tough one, the one that could do anything. I was the weak one. I was the one that was supposed to make mistakes, remember? Not you, not Monica. You're perfect, you're flawless. You weren't supposed to get hurt like this." 

Chandler tightened his grip around Monica's hand and lowered his head. 

Then, beside Monica, he fell asleep with her hand in his. 

To be continued…

****

Do you want me to continue? Did you think it was great, or did you think it was the worst thing you ever read? Let me know; review! I hope this chapter came up a little bit faster than last time… my computer was working, but I was still busy. Anyway, let me know if I should continue this story or not. 


	10. Chapter 10: Funny, the Things People Don...

**__**

Chapter Ten

Monica walked into an empty apartment. She looked around, yelling for Chandler. He wasn't there for her. Still, she looked into his bedroom, finding it empty, deserted. For an unknown reason, tears sprung to her eyes. She staggered around, looking for some comfort. Her friends weren't there, either. She walked over to the window, watching the rain pour down. Then she sighed and walked over to the kitchen. When she opened the fridge, nothing was in there. She opened her drawers, but they were also empty. The only thing left on the counter was a knife. A solid, cold, metal knife. 

No one was there to tell her not to do it. She was alone, so no one could've told her that she was loved. No one was there, so no one cared. No one was there to tell her not to do it. 

Monica picked up the knife and began slitting herself. 

No one was there.

* * *

She lie there on the hospital bed, motionless.

No one was there. 

It was a dark room, a cold room. Cuts were all over her face and body, bleeding eternally. She wasn't breathing by herself, but with an air mask. A monitor above her head with a green zigzagging line indicated that she was holding in. 

She didn't know what was going on. 

She was so helpless, lying there on the bed with no control over her own life. She couldn't help herself. It was up to fate, but fate wasn't too promising. She was, in fact, lying there in the first place. 

No one could help her. 

The pain built up inside of her, and in an instant, all of the pain vanished.

The monitor's zigzagged line slowed down, then came to a complete stop. It gave a loud, piercing beep. 

She died. 

Chandler's eyes shot open. He was still seated in the plastic seat with his hands covering Monica's. Instantly every image in the room became blurry. His head ached and his eyes burned with fear. Beads of sweat poured down his face and neck. His heart beat way too fast for its own good, and he was trembling. It took him a few minutes to clears his visions. When he could see again, he shot his eyes toward the monitor. 

The green line was still zigzagging in a steady motion. 

Chandler began to calm down, sitting back into his chair and slowly breathing in and out. He ran his fingers through his hair. After some time, he stopped trembling and his heart beat normally. The sweat dried and his eyes saddened instead of being afraid. His head still ached, but he looked at Monica and frowned. 

"You're doing great, Mon." He shook his head and looked away from her. "You scared me there for a second." 

When he was completely calmed again, Chandler sighed and put his other hand back with Monica's. He stroked it gently, his eyes not leaving their hands. He continued to stroke her hands, to stare at their hands held together. He looked back at Monica and an image appeared to him. This time the image enlightened him. He smiled lightly. 

"Remember when your Porsche broke down in the middle of nowhere?" Chandler muttered, forgetting his dream. He let a small laugh escape. "We were going to LA, we were on a road trip for the first time without the others. Remember? We lost our way about three hours into the trip." Chandler opened the palms of Monica's hand and intertwined his fingers with hers. He smiled. "We were some adventurers, huh? We were lost the entire trip, but we had the time of our lives. We had to sleep in your car since there were no motels or hotels around. I loved it; I got to sleep with my arms around you. When I woke up, I got to wake up beside you." Chandler looked up at Monica, trying to look into her eyes, despite the fact that they were closed. "We can do that again, Mon. Maybe we'll even make it to LA this time." He laughed again. 

"We never let anything stop us before. This won't stop us… this is just a setback. Don't let this be the thing to break us. Nothing's stopped us before." Chandler shook his head, ready for the tears to come. He hung his head down, avoiding the rush of fear that came to him when he thought of life without Monica. "Don't you dare let this break us."

"Mr. Bing? We need to run some tests… can you please leave the room?" a doctor asked as he walked into the room. Chandler rolled his eyes. He looked at Monica one last time. 

"Looks like they're throwing me out, Mon. Well, I'll see you soon, beautiful." He softly kissed her hand and smiled. "Sweet dreams." 

He walked out of the room and sat down in a hard, plastic seat next to Phoebe, Joey, and Ross. He put his hand to his head and rubbed his forehead. 

"How is she?" Ross asked. Chandler shook his head. 

"She doesn't look too great. But she'll be better soon, I know it."

"We don't know that, Chandler," Phoebe whispered gently. Chandler looked at them and stood up. 

"What, is it like you want her to die?" Chandler said, staring at them accusingly. He looked from them to Monica's door. 

"No, but we're in _reality!_" Ross snapped, also standing up. By the time Phoebe and Joey stood up, Chandler was backing away. 

"What reality? Nothing's real anymore! But all I know is Monica's going to be fine! She's been a fighter for all of her life, why should she stop now?" Chandler's voice was raising. "Nothing's wrong with her!" 

Ross's expression softened. "Chandler, you're in denial," he whispered shaking his head. 

"What are you talking about? I'm not denying anything, okay? I just have a little bit faith in Monica, unlike you!" Chandler shook his head and went into her room, ignoring the doctor's orders. He walked over to Monica and stroked her hair, ignoring the doctor altogether. 

"You're going to be okay, aren't you?" he whispered. He shook his head. "You're just a little bit hurt, but soon you'll be better. They just have such little faith. I believe in you, Mon." 

He looked at the monitor above her head. He looked at her cuts all over her body. He looked at the machines hooked up to her. "You'll be okay," he murmured. 

Then he looked at her deep cut near her heart. 

"Won't you?"

* * *

A swirl of pain and confusion hung around her, wrapping her. She didn't know what was happening… or where she even was. She heard distant voices, but it was as if they were coming from the other end of a tunnel. She stirred, but not one bone in her body moved. Her arms were on fire, and her chest was burning up. 

She wanted it to stop. 

She wanted to be in Chandler's arms. 

She wanted this nightmare to be over. 

* * *

"I need to get some fresh air," Chandler said, standing up from the chair. The other three just nodded, so Chandler walked over to the glass doors and pushed them open. He took a glance back and noticed how full the ER seemed. He slowly shook his head and walked outside. 

It was a beautiful day. With not a cloud in the sky, the blazing sun shone. Birds hung on the limbs of trees, and only a slight breeze cooled Chandler. It was a beautiful day… for the rest of the world, anyway. 

Chandler walked along the side of the hospital's walls and ran his finger along the bricks. He stopped and leaned his back against the wall. He looked up at the sky with tears in his eyes. 

"I had that one person that made me happier than anyone else in the entire world. I had her," he said, trying to control the rush of tears. He shut his eyes tightly and pounded his fist to the wall. "I had her, and I'm losing her." 

He opened his eyes and stared at the sky. All of a sudden, Chandler began to feel queasy. He put his hand to his forehead and sighed. Chandler slowly walked back into the ER and sat down in the plastic chair. Since his hand was still to his head, the other three looked at him worriedly. 

"What's wrong?" Phoebe asked. Chandler looked at her and took his hand away from his head. 

"I just don't feel too great," he replied. Ross looked at him, his eyes morose.

"What hurts?" he asked. Chandler sighed and looked down to the floor. 

"My heart." 

* * *

"I'm sorry… we did everything we could," the doctor began. "We couldn't save her. She – she died last night." 

Chandler took a glance at the family that began to break down as the doctor said this. He sighed. 

"But she was only _sixteen_!"

Chandler shuddered. _So young…_

"We tried! The cuts were too deep, too fatal." The doctor's voice was ignorant to Chandler. The cuts were too deep… would that happen to Monica?

"Don't you even care? Is this just another job for you?" one of the men yelled at the doctor, also breaking down in tears. Chandler shuddered and walked out of the ER. He walked along the hospital, looking through the windows of the doors. Some people were sleeping peacefully, some were being operated. But not one was near death. 

Monica was. 

Chandler trembled and ran out of the hospital. He wanted it all to go away – the pain, the heartache, the fear. He wanted Monica to be okay, to be just fine. 

She wasn't. 

When Chandler reached the outside of the building, he collapsed onto the cool grass under a tree. Chandler hugged himself and let the tears fall freely for the first time. 

"Don't leave me, Mon," he murmured, looking up at the sky. "Everything you are is everything to me. And there are still so many things I want to say to you." Chandler brushed off a butterfly that landed on his shoulder. "Like… how until I met you, I never knew what it was like to look at someone and smile for no reason."

Before Chandler began to walk back to the hospital, dark clouds came in, covering the sky. He shook his head as he opened the door to the ER. 

His life used to be sunny. He had a job… not one he liked, but one he was paid a lot for. He had a great apartment. He had Ross, Joey, and Phoebe… great friends he couldn't imagine not having. And he had Monica, the most important person in his life. They told secrets, gossip, they took trips together, they laughed, they talked, they told what they felt about people and the world around them. He would wake up, then when he opened the door from his room he'd see Monica, usually starting breakfast. He'd walk over to her and hug her, and then they'd being talking. Life may not have been perfect, but he had Monica.

Now his life was gray, cloudy. He had no where to turn for comfort since Monica was always the only comfort he ever needed. He couldn't run away from it since wherever he was, Monica would still be in danger. He couldn't do anything to help the one person that ever understood him. He could just wait. 

When Chandler saw that no one was near Monica's door, he collapsed onto his knees and awkwardly folded his hands together. He looked up at the ceiling and let out a quivery sigh. 

"God… help her. Don't take her away from me… it's not fair. She shouldn't be going through this; she's such a perfect person. Why did you do this to her? Why not me? Why not the next person up in line for death? Why _her_? She can't be leaving me!" People began to glance at Chandler, but he shrugged off their hard looks. "I knew you'd be mad that I had one of your angels. I knew it, but you don't have to take her back. Let her stay, let her live." Chandler bowed down his head and continued. "Monica doesn't know how much we care about her, God. She doesn't know. Let me tell her, let her know. Let her die an old lady, safe in my arms. Please. I'll do anything for a miracle. Anything. I'll – I'll quit smoking in a day. I'll become a priest. You name it, I'll do it for her. Don't let her die. She deserves so much more than she got out of life," he whispered. People looked at him, sadly staring. Chandler could tell people felt sorry for him. But that wasn't what he wanted… he didn't want people feeling sorry for _him_. Why should they? _He_ wasn't the one stuck at a bottomless pit. _He_ wasn't the one suffering. _He_ wasn't the one that felt unloved.

Chandler stood from the floor and fell onto the chair, burying his face in his hands. He shook his head, his hands still covering his face. 

"Miracles don't happen."

Chandler looked up. Standing before him was a broad, tall man. 

"Excuse me?" Chandler said, looking at him with a hard gaze. The man shrugged his shoulders and sighed. 

"They don't happen." The man sat down next to Chandler and looked ahead. Chandler ran his fingers through his hair. 

"Why would you say that?" Chandler asked, his voice low. 

"I asked for a miracle. God didn't listen. Either He didn't hear or He doesn't want to." 

"What happened to you?" 

"My daughter died." 

Chandler's gaze averted to the floor. He stayed silent for a few minutes.

"How… how old was she?" 

"Sixteen."

Chandler looked at the man. "How did she die?" 

"She got killed. Well, someone tried to stab her to death. She was still alive when we brought her here, but she just died." The man looked at Chandler. "I asked for a miracle, too."

"Yeah, well maybe not enough," Chandler replied. He looked at his hands. Around him, people began to look at him and the man and listen to their conversation. Chandler didn't notice. 

"I prayed every night. My daughter died because of someone else. At least she knew she was loved. I hope." The man paused, but continued. "Who are you asking a miracle for?"

"My best friend," Chandler whispered. The man looked at Chandler once more. 

"Hey, that's not as bad. You can always make new friends. Maybe better ones." 

Chandler glared at the man. "No. No, I can't. No one could ever replace her. If she dies, I die. I mean… how are you supposed to live when the other part of your heart dies?" Chandler's voice broke, and tears began to descend from his face. 

"You only think that now. You'll get over it." The man smiled comfortingly. 

"You never met Monica." 

To Be Continued…

I know this took the LONGEST time to post! I'm so sorry you had to wait so long, and thanks for being patient ;). The next part will hopefully be up sooner… and I hope this chapter wasn't too short or too bad. Want to read more? Let me know! I won't put up the next chapter until I'm sure a few people want to read it. If you liked it, let me know. If you hated it, let me know. Tell me what you thought of it! And again… sorry it took forever to update. The next one will be sooner… I hope. I've still been very busy. But who knows… if I have enough reviews, maybe I'll make the time ;) 


	11. Chapter 11: A Turn of Events

**__**

Chapter Eleven 

Chandler shivered, looking around the dark room. Phoebe, Joey, and Ross were asleep, but the images in his mind kept him from joining them. He stirred, and sighed when he saw Phoebe wake up. 

"Sorry, I didn't mean to wake you," Chandler whispered. Phoebe shook her head and sat up. 

"No, it wasn't you." She stopped, then looked at Chandler sadly. "Why are you still up?"

"I can't fall asleep, no matter what." Chandler looked down to the floor. 

"Why?"

"Whenever I close my eyes, I see what me and Monica used to be," he replied, tears in his eyes. "I see it, and I'm happy, right? Then I wake up, and I realize I'm in the hospital and she's _dying. _I hate that rush of reality." 

Phoebe looked at Chandler and took his hand. He looked at her strangely, but she ignored the stare. "I know it's hard, Chandler. But we can only wait… nothing else." 

Chandler stared ahead. "I know… but what if she does die?" 

Phoebe shook her head. "Don't talk about that, Chandler. Don't even think it. We won't save her by thinking like that. We won't help ourselves, either."

"I know, I know. But… I just can't help the thought. What if I lose her? What then?" Chandler averted his eyes to Monica's door. "I can't lose her… I'll lose my best friend… my once in a lifetime friend." Chandler sighed and closed his eyes. "And you only find you once in a lifetime friend… once in a lifetime." 

* * *

When Chandler was sure all three were fast asleep, he quietly stood up and went into Monica's room. He slowly walked over to her bed and gently kissed her forehead, making sure as not to hurt her. He sat down in the chair next to her bed and softly put her hand in his, gently stroking it. 

"You used to sing to me when I couldn't sleep," Chandler whispered to Monica. "You have the most beautiful voice ever, and I loved hearing you sing. It lulled me to sleep right away." Chandler looked around, then back at Monica. "What was that song we used to sing?" Chandler slightly tightened his grip around Monica's hands. Chandler began humming.

"I'll – I'll reach out… my hand to you. I'll have faith in… all you do. Just - call my name, and I'll be there." Chandler's voice was light, in a whisper. "I'll be there to comfort you, build my world of dreams around you. You know I'm so glad I found you. I'll be your strength, you wanna keep holding on…" Chandler stopped singing and bowed down his head. 

"I sure miss doing that, Mon. But I'd never forget that song, not in a million years. And let me tell you, when I sang that with you, I meant it." Chandler let go of Monica's hand and stood up. He walked over to the small window and stood by it. He looked outside and down at the cabs and cars driving along the street. 

"I thought you knew," he whispered. "I thought you knew." 

Chandler walked back to Monica and took her hand once more. When he looked down at their intertwined fingers, he smiled. "Everything you are is everything to me." 

He leaned his head and looked up at the ceiling, not once letting go of Monica's hand. Then he closed his eyes and fell asleep. 

* * *

Just seeing her so fragile made him go weak in the knees. It was his first time seeing her – the only reason they let Chandler in was because he was desperate, and he didn't want to be more of a burden for the doctors. But he did want to see Monica… more than he ever thought he would. 

Ross walked over to Monica and sat down in the one seat in the room. He hesitantly took her hand and looked at her. 

"How'd this happen, little sis?" he whispered, tears welling in his eyes. He patted her hand and let out a shaky laugh. "How?" 

He remembered all the times he wished Monica would just _die_. Either it was because she was too much of a neat freak, or she told him not to do something he wanted because she said it was best for him, or because she brought up something from the past that he just didn't want to remember. 

But he _didn't_ want her to die. 

There were so many things he never told her – like how she was the best sister anyone could ask for, or how he knew that she really did mean the best for him, or how much he loved her. 

She didn't know anything he wanted to tell her, because he was so stupid in thinking she'd always be around. 

"Don't let us down," Ross continued. "Don't let us down, not now, not when we need you the most." 

Ross played with her fingers for a few minutes, deep in thought. 

"I'm supposed to protect you… I'm you're big brother." Ross sighed. "I guess I really failed at that, huh?" He looked out the window, trying to think clearly. "Mom and dad favored me… I won't deny it. But I don't know _why._ You were always the better one. While I was whining about something, you were looking at the bright side. While I was fooling around, you were getting the job done. While I did nothing for you, you did everything for me." Ross's eyes fell to the floor. "And I'm sorry. I know you can't hear me, but I'm sorry." 

"Don't die."

* * *

The days went by slowly. Not one day did it rain, but the four didn't notice. To them, the skies were gray and there was no sun. People came in and out of the ER, but the same people didn't stay longer than a day. Here they were, staying there for two weeks, and nothing changed. There was no sign of recovery for Monica, and she still hasn't woken up. Instead of 24 hours, it felt like each day held 250 hours. The minutes just dragged by, and no one knew what to do next. There wasn't anything they _could_ do. 

Just knowing that at any minute Monica could die sent shivers up Chandler's spine. He never thought of the fact that he'd have to live without her, and now that reality towed in, he didn't want to. Life without Monica wouldn't be living… 

And it wasn't fair that Monica was being taken her life… before she ever really started living. 

* * *

"This food tastes like cardboard," Chandler heard a nearby woman complain. "And this juice is sour." 

Chandler shook his head, looking at Ross, Joey, and Phoebe. They just shrugged and rolled their eyes, so Chandler began picking at the hospital food again. No one said anything. No had anything to _say_. All of them were thinking of Monica, but no one wanted to bring her up. Chandler looked over at the people sitting next to them again. 

"I'm not eating this junk. I'm going to _die_ if I have another bite," the same woman said, standing up and throwing away her food. Chandler stood up and followed the woman, clenching his fists. When the woman tried to pass him, Chandler stood in her way.

"Excuse me," the woman said, trying to be polite, but annoyance dripping from her voice. 

"No, excuse _me,_" Chandler replied, his voice brimmed with hatred. "Can you just – for a second, open your mind?"

The woman stood back, looking offended, but Chandler didn't care. "Here you are, complaining about your food, while, for two weeks, the reason I'm living is dying. So just **shut up** and see just how much you have in life." 

Chandler walked away and out of the hospital cafeteria, his body stiff. He walked over to Monica's room, walked in, and kneeled beside Monica's bed. He put his head to the bed, reaching for Monica's hand. He heard his friends walk into the room, but he didn't lift his head or even acknowledge them. 

"What's up, Chandler? What was that about?" Phoebe asked, breaking the silence. Chandler slowly lifted his head, looking tiredly at Phoebe. 

"What?" He heard the splatter of rain begin, and he heard the drum of the thunder. But he ignored it, trying to feel Monica. 

"Why did you just snap at that lady?" Ross asked, asking the question for Phoebe. Chandler's eyes looked empty – dead. There was no life to them… all of that was sucked away from him the minute Monica got hurt. 

"You don't get it, do you?" Chandler whispered, trembling. 

"Get what?"

"_I _did this to her." He averted his eyes back to Monica's bloody, cut-up body and stroked her hair. "And for the past two weeks, I can't stop thinking of that. If I never let her go, or if I was a better friend, or if I came sooner-"

"Don't blame yourself. Don't you dare blame yourself, Chandler," Ross said, his voice hard. 

"It's my fault, and we all know it!" Chandler yelled. He stood up and looked at them. "You guys can't deny it anymore! Monica's going to die because of _me_! She did this because of _me_! Me, her best friend!_ I_ did this to her!" Chandler looked at the floor, ignoring anything that came to his mind. He looked back up with tears in his eyes. "And I can't live knowing I did this to her. She would have been better off if she never met me. I can't live with that fact." 

Chandler walked out of the room, and the three followed closely behind. Chandler sat in a chair, and so did the other three. None of them said anything… mostly because every single one of them thought what Chandler said in the first place.

They blamed Chandler, too.

* * *

The pelting, pouring rain soaked Chandler, but he didn't move. He stared ahead, no bothering to notice the strange looks he received when people passed by. A crack of thunder was heard, and a blot of lighting shot through the sky, but Chandler stood still. 

"Kill me," he muttered under his breath, looking up at the skies. "Just _kill _me." He put his hands up to the skies, and looked up, swallowing any water that went into his mouth. "**Kill me!**" he yelled once more, tears mixing in with the rain. He broke down to the floor and let the mud beneath him cover his jeans. "I did this to her, I don't deserve to live." Chandler shook his head, knowing he was doing nothing to help himself or Monica. 

But that didn't stop his mind from thinking it, or the heart from feeling it.

Slowly, Chandler stood from his spot and walked over to the door. When he walked into the ER with muddy jeans, soaked clothes, and disheveled hair, people turned their heads and looked at him. He shrugged them off and walked over to Monica's room, falling into a chair in front of the door. He buried his head in his hands and quivered. No one was around him, and he was glad for that. 

__

You bastard, he thought to himself, _how could you do this to her? You're selfish. You're hateful. You're cynical. You're malicious. _

Chandler shook his head, trying to think of more important things than listing the reasons Monica would be better off without him. He looked up and saw Phoebe come over to him. When she sat down next to him, Chandler looked away, avoiding eye contact. Phoebe took Chandler's hand and squeezed it. 

"How are you holding up?" she asked, her voice low. Chandler simply shrugged, still looking away from her. Without saying anything, Chandler stood up and walked down the hall and to the elevator. Without a second glance, he walked into the elevator, looking at Phoebe as the doors close. 

"I'm not holding up, I'm falling apart."

* * *

The pain was immense. It felt as if her wrists burned a hole through her flesh, her chest was ripping apart, and her arms were falling off. Her mouth was so dry, she felt dehydrated. Her eyes could barely open, but the heavy, lead-like eyelids finally opened. For an unknown reason, her head furiously pounded, preventing her from thinking clearly. 

But she was alive. With all of her strength and energy, Monica took a deep breath.

"Cha… nd… ler?" 

* * *

The buzz of doctors and nurses going from inside and outside of Monica's room caused Joey and Ross to speed up. When they reached Phoebe, they saw that her face was upbeat.

"What's going on?" Ross asked, practically yelling above all the noise. Phoebe skipped up and down, a wide grin lighting her face. 

"Monica woke up!" she yelled, throwing her hands into the air. Ross and Joey instantly cracked a grin. The three walked inside the room and tried to catch a glimpse of Monica, but doctors surrounded her. But they didn't care, as long as she was awake.

It was all going so quickly and it was all so surreal that they didn't even notice Chandler wasn't there. 

* * *

Chandler walked into the empty room and looked around it. An empty bed lie in the left corner, and unhooked wires and turned-off machines lie around it. Chandler sat on the hard, uncomfortable bed and sighed. He stood up and walked over to the one window in the room, looking down at the concrete below. He was at the highest floor, and there was barely anyone up that high. He slowly opened the window and sat on the edge of it, dangling one foot outside the window. 

__

You did this to her… so you pay. 

Chandler lifted both legs so they were dangling outside the window. He lifted his hands, ready to jump.

To be continued… 

I'm so, so, so sorry it took so long! I've still been very busy, so I didn't have much time to write. I'm also sorry if you were disappointed by the chapter… I tried to make it the best that I could. I also realize that it took a while for Monica to wake up, but I didn't want to rush it all and cram it in one chapter. Well, if you liked it, review and tell me. If you didn't, review and tell me. If you want me to continue, you need to tell me to continue! 

  



	12. Chapter 12: Because I Care

**__**

Chapter Twelve

With blurred vision, Monica weakly looked around for Chandler. Doctors hovered around her, looking down at her, writing down her statistics, doing anything to help. All she could do was look around helplessly. 

"Ch… and… ler?" she managed to whisper. She coughed, making some blood come from her mouth. Immediately, more doctors came to her.

"You'll be okay. Just a few more days, and everything will go back to normal," a tall male doctor told her. He smiled, trying to be comforting. Monica looked from doctor to doctor. 

"I – wa…nt… Chandl – er," she mumbled, taking in deep breaths after every word. 

"Now, now… don't waste your energy on talking," the same doctor said.

Monica sleepily looked around once again, feeling shooting pains through her wrists. Her arms didn't feel any better either, and her chest was still in immense pain.

But just the thought that Chandler wasn't at her side made her heart hurt twenty times more. 

* * *

Chandler lifted his hands, ready to jump. He hesitated, looking down at the world below him. The concrete looked splintering and the ground looked too far down. He looked around, watching birds fly passed him and cars zoom below him. He took a deep breath, stalling for time. 

__

Why am I even giving this a second thought? I hurt her, so I should be hurt!

Chandler looked around, from the inside of the hospital to the outside. But was hurting himself really helping _her_? 

__

"Promise me… that no matter what… no matter what happens, no matter what circumstances we're under… promise me that you'll stay by my side. 'Cause I'll always be right there beside you. Can you promise me that?" Monica asked, looking up at Chandler expectantly. Chandler looked back down at her.

"I pinky swear," he whispered, not giving it a second thought. "I'll be there for you." 

Chandler and Monica locked their pinkies together, smiling.

"I know."

Chandler shook his head, leaning back, away from the window. He held onto the window's edge and climbed back into the room. 

He wasn't going to break his promise… not just because he felt _guilty_.

But still, nothing could make up for what he did to Monica. He was killing her without wanting to. He was hurting her, and no matter what he did, it'd stay like that. 

Chandler walked away from the small, melancholy room and walked over to the elevator, not once looking back. 

* * *

"Where the hell have you been?" Ross screamed, causing Chandler to flinch. Chandler walked passed Ross and flopped onto an uncomfortable hospital chair. 

"Why do you care?" he mumbled, looking away. When he looked towards Monica's room, he noticed the door was open and nurses and doctors were scurrying in and out. Instantly, he stood up and looked worriedly around, expecting the worst. "What happened? What's wrong with Monica? What happened?" he rambled, pacing back and forth. Ross walked over to him, stopping him dead in his tracks. 

"Nothing's wrong with Monica…" Ross started. Relief filled Chandler's eyes, proving how worried he was. Chandler looked from Ross to the doctors. 

"Then what happened?" he asked, his voice barely a whisper. Ross beamed.

"She's awake," he told Chandler, his voice mirroring his expression. Chandler stared blankly at Ross, not taking it in.

"What?" he asked, too surprised to think clearly. 

"She woke up!" Ross yelled, throwing his hands up. 

Without another word, Chandler bolted into the door, to Monica.

* * * 

When the doctors all left Monica's room when they were sure she was fine, Chandler managed to walk up to her bed. 

The minute he saw Monica, her eyes confused and afraid, his breath caught in his throat. Slowly, he walked towards her. 

"Mon?" he whispered.

Monica looked up, and seeing Chandler, her eyes lit up. She attempted to smile, but the pain prevented her from doing so. 

"Chandler?" she managed weakly instead. Chandler walked over to Monica and took her hand. 

"What happened there, buddy?" he whispered, kissing her forehead. "You scared us." 

Monica merely looked at Chandler, too amazed by him to say anything. She looked at his hand cupping hers and felt butterflies float through her stomach. 

"Wh – what are you... doing here?" Monica murmured shakily. Chandler moved closer to Monica, stroking her hair. He shook his head. 

"Do you not want me here?" he asked. He looked hurt, but dropped her hands. "Because I'll leave if you don't want to see me, I-"

Monica quickly shook her head, sending shooting pains through it. She ignored it, only thinking of Chandler beside her. She reached for his arm, but only managed to weakly toss it off of the side of the bed. 

"Stay." 

Chandler's eyes filled with relief for the second time, and he moved closer towards Monica. Instead of sitting in a chair, he kneeled next to her bed and took her hand once more. He looked at her face and smiled. She still looked as beautiful as ever despite the cuts. 

All of a sudden, tears sprang to Chandler's eyes. He quickly tried to wipe them before Monica could see, but all in vain. Monica gently squeezed his hand, looking at him. 

"Don't cry," she said with great effort. Chandler shook his head and squeezed her hand back. 

"I – I thought I was going to lose you," he told her, not breaking the gaze they held. Reality set in as Chandler realized how close she was to dying. 

"I'm sorry." Monica looked at Chandler, pain obvious through her eyes. She looked away from Chandler and looked at the tubes connected to her arms, at the blood tubes used for inserting blood into her veins. Chandler looked at Monica surprised. 

"No, no… you shouldn't be sorry. Don't be sorry. _I'm _sorry," he said hurriedly, not wanting Monica to be sorry for a second. He took her other hand and held them close to his chest. "I'm sorry for thinking Rachel was the one for me. She's not my soulmate… because she kept me from you." 

Monica looked at Chandler, a mist forming in her eyes. "Not your fault," she said, trying to create a complete sentence. But because of the great pain it caused her, she settled for half of the words. 

"I left her," Chandler continued. "I never want to see her again, so long as I'm with you." Chandler smiled, resting his head on the side of the bed. 

"No… don't leave her… because of me…"

Chandler lifted his head and looked down at Monica. "No, Mon… I didn't leave her because of you. I left her _for _you. You're the best friend a person could have… and I remember a certain promise I gave you one day ten years ago. I'm not going to break that promise." Chandler smiled and stood up. Slowly, he sat on the edge of her bed and leaned forward towards her, his chest to her ears. 

"Press your ears to the left side of my chest," he told her gently. Monica weakly did so. 

What she heard was numerous, faint heartbeats. They beat in a rhythmic motion, not stopping for a break. Monica smiled, resting her head on his chest. 

"It's your heart," she said. 

Chandler smiled and nodded. "Sure is." He stopped, then put his arm around her.

"Now listen closer," he whispered. 

Monica pressed her ears harder, but still heard the same heartbeat. Chandler stroked her hair. "It's still my heart. It keeps going, and it's strong," he told her. Monica nodded, still listening to the sound. "That's how much I love you," he whispered, nuzzling his face to her hair. "I love you more than anything… you're the best friend I could ever dream for." Chandler paused, but continued. "And I'm so sorry I ever looked passed that. I'm sorry I took it for granted." Chandler hugged Monica as tightly as he could without hurting her and rested his chin on her head. Monica slowly looked up at Chandler, her face still resting on his chest.

"I love you, Chandler," she murmured, so low he could barely hear her. Chandler smiled and stroked her hair. 

"I know," he replied, looking ahead. 

__

If only he knew…

"I mean I _truly _love you," she answered, her pain covering her emotion. Chandler squeezed Monica, looking down at her. 

"I know."

Monica sighed, her heart tearing apart.

__

Chandler… if only you did.

* * *

There weren't any more days or nights. The days all melted into one another, leading a chain of endless medicine and sleeping. There was nothing to do besides stare out the window, wishing to leave the dreaded place. 

Hospitals were places of healing… but once you get stuck in one, it scars your life forever. 

She did this to herself… but now that Chandler was with her, she wished it would all go away. The doctors and nurses haunted her… the smell of medicine would never leave her skin… the tubes attached to her frightened her. Just the thought that she could barely breathe on her own sent goosebumps to her skin. The thought that people were out there, enjoying lives, living _her_ life… it sickened her.

"Hey," Chandler whispered as he walked into the room. Monica broke her gaze outside the window and looked at Chandler. She merely showed a weak smile, her eyes lighting up. Chandler walked over to her bed, sitting at the edge of it. "How are you holding up?" he asked, kissing her forehead. 

Monica lifted her hands, letting the tubes dangle. "I can lift my hands more," she remarked brightly. Chandler grinned and put his arm around the bed. 

"It's progress," he told her, smiling from ear to ear. "Just get better so we can go back home, ok?"

"I'll try." She looked around from herself to Chandler. With all of the machines hooked up to her, she felt detached from him, like in a different world. 

"Your voice is getting stronger," Chandler said, a hint of pride in his voice. Monica simply nodded, leaning her head against his chest. Chandler paused, looking down sadly at Monica. "How are you feeling?"

"Okay." 

"Hey, cheer up," Chandler whispered, squeezing her shoulders. Monica looked at Chandler. 

"You won't leave me, will you?" she asked, afraid of the answer. 

"Never," he replied. "Remember… I'll be there." Chandler looked away from Monica and out towards the window once more. He paused, silence filling the room for a few seconds. Chandler broke it with a soft whisper. "I'll be there, to comfort you. I'll build my world of dreams around you. I'm so glad… I found you."

Monica looked up at Chandler, her eyes showing a sparkle that left when she left Chandler return. She smiled, taking Chandler's hand. "Our song," she whispered. He nodded, glad to see the old Monica. 

"Cause, you know… I'll be there with a love so strong. I'll be your strength. You know I'll keep holding on," Chandler continued, his voice a little louder with every word.

"I'll reach out my hand to you… I'll have faith in all you do…" Monica tried to sing, her voice shaking. Nonetheless, Chandler's smile cracked into a grin. 

"Just call my name and I'll be there," he sang, his voice growing softer. He took Monica's other hand and kissed them both at the same time. "No matter what, I'll be there. Just know… it's C&M forever," he whispered, taking Monica's ring finger and pointing to the ring he gave her. Monica smiled and gently nodded. 

"I know." She tightened her grip on Chandler's hands and motioned one arm toward the window. "I'll get out soon," she tried to say loud and clear. "I'll get out, and you'll come with me, right?" 

"Always and forever, Mon… it's you and me against the world." 

Monica beamed. "Sure is. Us, the two inseparables." Monica paused, looking Chandler straight in the eyes. "Maybe we'll get to go on that road trip we've tried out before," she stated. Chandler laughed. 

"Anything you want." 

"I want to be best friends forever," Monica said, holding out her pinky. "Pinky swear?"

"Forever," he replied, locking his pinky with hers. 

Because it was C&M forever.

To Be Continued… 

This one was kind of short, and I know it took FOREVER to post… I've been busier than ever since it's so close to the end of the school year. Anyway, review to let me know what you think – good or bad. Should I continue? 

__


	13. Chapter 13: Betrayed

**__**

Chapter Thirteen

**__**

"I want to get out!" Monica said, throwing her arms into the air. 

Chandler walked over to Monica's hospital bed and laughed. "I know, sweetie. Just a little bit more testing, and you're outta here," he said, pointing behind him with his thumb. He kissed Monica's forehead and looked around her. Surrounding her were letters, teddy bears, chocolate boxes, and flowers – mostly from him, Joey, Ross, and Phoebe. "Well, you've got a whole gift shop up here," he teased. 

Monica rolled her eyes. "I still don't have one thing," she said, not thinking. 

"And what's that?" he asked, raising his eyebrows. "Her majesty isn't fully pampered?" 

Monica smiled half-heartedly. "I don't have…" _you,_ she wanted to say. She wanted to tell him. She wanted to get it over with, to get it out of her. But what would she say? _'Chandler, I love you, I have for ten years… I'll be moving out now.'_ "Never mind," she sighed, shaking her head. 

Chandler's eyes twinkled. "No, tell me," he replied, sitting at the side of her bed.

"Water, I need water," she replied with a deep sigh. Chandler smiled and shook his head, standing up. 

"Yes, your highness," he said, bowing towards Monica. Monica rolled her eyes again and looked after him as he walked out the door to obey her wishes. 

"See, we're great together, Chandler," she whispered, longingly gazing at him. "We're _great_ together."

* * *

Monica looked from the door to the window, seeing if a doctor or visitor was coming. When she saw no one, she slowly uncovered her hospital bed sheets and stood onto the cold, multicolored tiled floor. Monica almost tripped over, swaying. She lifted her arms to balance herself, and slowly walked as far as the tubes hooked up to her stretched. She stretched her arms, smiling. For the first time since she was placed in the hospital, Monica felt just a little bit freer than a prisoner. 

"I'm normal," she said to herself. "I'm not some 'near suicide victim,' I'm normal." She shook her head, knowing that hearing the words out loud didn't change what had happened. She slowly backed up, looking around her. She tried peering passed the door, but it was half closed. She looked over to the wall and saw a small, square mirror. Slowly, cautiously, she walked over to it. 

When she saw her reflection, her smile faded. With trembling hands, Monica touched her face softly, not believing it was her own. When she saw her tangled hair and cuts apparent all over her face, she let in a deep breath. The doctors told her that the knife must have slid and went onto her face when she was unconscious, but she had no idea it cut so deep. There was a big gash across her forehead, and her cheekbone had a slash through it. She traced her fingers across the cuts, tears already forming. 

"I did this to myself," she whispered, dropping her hands. 

"Mon?" 

Startled, Monica swiftly turned around, almost knocking her feet off of the floor. She backed up, trying to cover her tears. "Chandler? What are you doing here?"

"You're not supposed to be standing, Mon… you're supposed to be resting. The only reason the doctors are letting you out is because they think that after a few days' rest you'll be okay. You shouldn't be standing," he said hurriedly, walking towards her. 

Monica shook her head, backing up. "No!" she yelled, putting out her hands to stop him. "No, I've been in that bed for too long!" 

Chandler walked up to her anyway, stretching out his hands to guide her to the bed. Monica pushed his hands off of her, backing up. "_No!_" she yelled, causing Chandler to flinch and drop his hands. He looked at her, startled. Monica backed away more, her eyes burning. 

"I'm not fragile, I know what's right for me!" she continued, burning a hole through Chandler's eyes. "And don't _say _you know what's best for me! If you knew what was best for me, you would have come to New York sooner!" All of a sudden, Chandler's eyes dropped to the floor. He felt tears begin to form, but he didn't say anything. Monica ignored the look of torture in his eyes, too angry to even care. "Chandler, _I _worry about me. I'm the only one that knows what I think, how I feel. You can't know what's best for me… because I feel like you barely even _know _me anymore." Monica stopped suddenly, looking at Chandler. "Just – don't tell me you want what's best for me. If you really did, you would understand how difficult this is for me." 

Chandler looked up, wiping the tears from his eyes. His eyes narrowed, and fury replaced guilt. "How difficult this is for _you_?" he replied, his voice just as loud and shrill as Monica's. "Do you think this has been a trip around the park for _me_?" He stepped closer to Monica. "_You _did this to yourself, and we've had to worry about you day and night! You almost killed yourself, Monica! And we've been living through hell worrying!" 

"What would you know, Chandler?" Monica asked. "You don't know why I did this to myself. You don't know _why_. And… like I said before… _I _worry about me. I'm a big girl!" 

"Mon, it doesn't matter! You did this to yourself, and we worry no matter what! I just can't believe how _selfish _you're being!" He stepped closer to Monica; all feelings of torture and pain vanished. 

Monica looked at Chandler, hurt. "I'm being selfish? What about you? You didn't care when I left… you didn't even _call_." Monica looked at Chandler, backing away. But Chandler stepped closer to her, not bothering to care about the hurt look on her face. 

"You're the one that left." He stepped closer to her and frowned, his eyes still narrowed. "You're going to get in bed, you have to." His voice was hard, not at all like his usual self. He stepped closer to Monica and grabbed her wrists tightly, forgetting her condition. Monica screamed in pain, tears falling down her cheeks. Chandler quickly let go, realizing the pain he caused her and stood back, shocked by what he did. Monica backed away, still facing Chandler. Chandler stepped forward to Monica, holding out his arms. "Monica – I – I'm so-"

"Get away from me!" she yelped, holding her hands out in front of her. She felt the salty tears trickle down her face and the cuts at her wrists burning. She stared at him, feeling betrayed and more hurt than ever. "_Leave_."

Chandler tried to step towards Monica, but she backed away more. "Monica…" 

"Get out!" she yelled, pointing at the door. She gasped for breath, suddenly feeling lightheaded. She stumbled around, her vision blurring. She put her hands out to balance herself. 

Chandler worriedly walked over to her. "Mon?" he whispered. 

Monica finally managed to stand up straight, her eyes burning, this time with fear. "Leave," she mumbled, her voice as solid as rock. She looked away from him, suddenly afraid of him. 

"Mon, don't – I didn't mean to…"

"Get _out_!" she said in her loudest voice possible. Chandler sighed, feeling the guilt and pain rush back to him. But he slouched over his shoulders and walked out the door, glancing behind him before he exited. 

What he saw tore at his heart. Monica stood there, holding her wrists, pain and fear evident in her eyes. He saw tears stream down her face, and he saw her trembling. She was hurt, physically and emotionally. And it was because of him… her best friend.

Chandler walked out of the door, feeling even worse than when she was unconscious. 

* * *

"Yummy… breakfast!" a nurse said brightly as she passed a tray to Monica. Monica sighed, making a face. 

"Yummy?" she repeated, looking away from the nurse. The nurse laughed and forced the tray in her hands. Monica stared at the unappetizing meal, groaning in disgust. "I'm not hungry." 

The nurse shook her head. "You have to eat… you haven't been eating in days." She grabbed the spoon and forced some of the food in Monica's mouth. Monica spit it out, not bothering to notice the mess it left. 

"No," she said stubbornly. She looked away, wanting to be alone. Suddenly, she looked at the nurse and frowned, tears in her eyes. The nurse, seeing the tears in her eyes, sighed. 

"If you really don't want to…" she said, exasperated. 

Monica shook her head. "No – that's not why…" Monica stopped and let out a deep sigh. "Have you ever been betrayed?" she whispered, catching the nurse by surprise. The nurse looked at her, startled. 

"I – I'm not sure I understand," she replied. She looked at Monica, confused. Monica looked away and out the door. She almost could picture Chandler sitting in the waiting room. She quickly turned away. 

"Has anyone ever betrayed you?" she repeated, her voice not as shaky this time. The nurse nodded her head uncertainly. 

"Sure. I – I had a best friend that went out with the guy I had a huge crush on," the nurse said, looking at Monica strangely. "Why?"

"Then – then you know what it feels like?" Monica said, ignoring the nurse's question. "You know what it feels like… when someone you love hurts you?" She dropped her gaze to her folded hands, which fidgeted nervously. She furiously wiped her eyes. 

"Yeah, I do." The nurse stood up from the bed, taking the tray with her. "You sure you don't want to finish?" 

"Did – did you ever get over it? Did you – forgive her?" Monica asked, her eyes red. The nurse shrugged. 

"I honestly don't remember… it's been years." The nurse began walking out the door, not saying another word. 

"Thanks for the help," Monica retorted bitterly. She uncovered herself, looking at her cut wrists. She let out one last sigh and threw her head onto the pillows. 

* * *

Ross walked over to Monica's door and slightly knocked. 

"Can I come in?" he asked, peeking in. When he saw Monica nod, Ross walked over to her bed and sat on the edge. "How's it going?" he whispered. Monica shrugged, trying hard not to look him in the eye. "Are you okay?" he tried again. 

Monica shrugged once more. "You know," she simply replied. She looked around, anywhere but into Ross's eyes. 

"Come on," Ross pleaded, "say something." 

Monica finally looked at Ross, tears in her eyes yet again. "He hurt me," she whispered, her voice cracking. Ross looked at Monica sympathetically. He put his arms around her shoulders and squeezed them. 

"I know," Ross said. "I know… but… he didn't mean it." 

Monica looked at him, upset. "He didn't mean to grab my wrists? So someone forced him to?" Monica rested her head on Ross's shoulder. "So he didn't mean to ignore me and my feelings when he yelled at me?"

Ross sighed. "He was just upset. He didn't mean to." Ross stroked Monica's silky hair and kissed it softly. "He loves you… you're his best friend."

Monica broke apart from her brother's embrace and looked at him with tears rolling down her face. "I don't care," she said. She buried her hands in her face.

"Let him see you… let him talk to you."

Monica shook her head quickly, looking up. "No. I never want to see Chandler again." She looked up, her eyes cold. 

"I hate him."

__

To be continued…

Once again… I know this wasn't that good of a chapter, and it took just a little less than a month to post… sorry! I'm going to try to make the chapters better and come quicker… I promise. Do you want me to continue? Let me know… review! 


	14. Chapter 14: Try to Understand

**__**

Chapter Fourteen

Riding along the city in a cab, Monica sat up and stared at her wrists. Covering her two cuts were bandages – two tight, uncomfortable, imprisoning bandages. Across her chest, where the biggest cut lay, was another bandage that wrapped around her. 

Now, Monica would have to watch every step she took. She couldn't bump into anything, because she'd start bleeding. She'd have to take two shots – one in the morning, one in the evening – to prevent a growing infection each day. She'd have to sleep on her back every night – something she despised. People would stare at her, at her wrists, at her cuts… and she couldn't do anything about that, either. She wouldn't be _living _anymore. 

"Monica? Are you okay?" Joey asked, interrupting her thoughts. Monica looked away from the window and into Joey's eyes. She just looked at him for a few minutes, her mind lost. 

"Mon?" he repeated, frowning. Monica shook her head. 

"N – nothing. Just thinking," she merely replied. Joey looked at her and put his arm around her shoulders. 

"About what?" he asked, hugging her. Monica shrugged, looking at the car seat in front of her. She shook her head, her eyes dismal. 

"Life." Monica turned her gaze out the window and watched the buildings stay behind as the cab rapidly moved on. Up above, birds soared through the air and clouds hung over the sky, creating a sheet of darkness. Rain was held up in the gray clouds, ready to pour down. 

"What about it?" Joey's voice was soft, caring. Monica couldn't help but picture Joey as Chandler. _Chandler _was the one that used to always comfort her, help her. And although Joey was one of the best friends she could ask for, Chandler was so much more. Chandler was the first and only person she ever truly, deeply loved… the only person she would die for. 

"No, I hate him," Monica quickly said, forgetting Joey was next to her. Joey looked at her but decided against commenting. 

Monica leaned back and shut her eyes, confused about more than one thing. But when her eyelids were fully closed, all she saw was Chandler. Briskly, she opened her eyes, looking around. Joey still had his arm around her, but was looking out the other window. Phoebe sat by the other window, her eyes closed. 

So, Monica stared out the window, looking up toward the heavens as if waiting for an answer. 

She didn't get one. 

__

I hate you… I love you

I just can't remember to forget you.

Who are you… who needs you?

You make me feel alive, I die, so high

I'm crawling on the ground and

I've found I can't fly. 

* * *

When the cab reached the apartment building, Monica looked up in awe. Now, the building seemed like a skyscraper to her. People hustled around her, pushing their way around. Monica, Joey, Phoebe, and Ross walked over to the door, but Monica stopped. She turned around and looked from building to building, half of a smile on her face. 

"It's good to be free," Monica said, closing her eyes. Her friends looked at her sadly. Ross walked over to her and put his arm around her. 

"It's good to have you back," he whispered. Monica opened her eyes, shaking her head. 

"I'm not back yet," she replied. She looked around at the people around her and noticed a child staring at her. She smiled, trying to be polite. But the child merely looked at her. 

"Mommy, what's wrong with that lady?" the child asked, pointing to Monica. "She's bleeding." 

Monica saw the mom turn around and look at her, then take her child's hand and walk away. Monica sighed, tears in her eyes. 

"I'm a freak," she muttered, turning towards the door and walking in. Everyone followed her, trying to console her, but she shrugged them all off. 

When she reached her apartment, she took out her key and opened the door. She entered the apartment and looked around. Everything seemed so different to her, so deviant. Everything was put in the exact same place, and the place was clean, but in the kitchen, a red stain was visible from the blood. The kitchen was empty, with no glasses or plates. And worst of all, it didn't have the cheery, homely feeling that it used to hold. Now it was just an apartment, not a home. 

Then, Chandler's door opened, and Monica froze. When he saw her, he quickly walked over to her. 

"Look, Monica, I-"

Monica glared at him and walked straight to her room, slamming the door behind her without a word. She fell onto her bed and sighed, staring up at the ceiling. She felt a tug at her heart when seeing Chandler again… but she wasn't too sure about what it was. Was it hate… or was it love? 

Monica carefully sat up in her bed and walked over to her window. Outside, thousands of people walked around, shopping, sightseeing, working – _living_. But none of that was possible for Monica anymore. Her life was shattered, gone. She lived, her body lived… but her spirit, her soul… it all died. It all left her, like water sucked into a pipe. Chandler betrayed her and their friendship… what was left for her? What was left for life? She looked away from the window and walked over to her closet. She slowly opened the doors and looked around. 

Nothing in there looked the same. Clothes were strewn upon the floor of the closet, and coats hung from their hangers. Monica had barely changed, but when she did, she just grabbed something from the closet. Shoes didn't sit next to their other pair, and magazines, books, sheets, and piles of pictures covered the floor. Monica slowly knelt down and rummaged through the pictures. Almost every picture was of her and Chandler… hugging, laughing, smiling. Monica's eyes watered as she remembered the good times, the simple times. Then, she had no worries, no fears, no doubts… not around Chandler. But now, he hurt her… he hurt her, even when he promised he never would. 

Suddenly, Monica's eyes narrowed. She looked at the picture she was holding and tore it in half, separating her from Chandler. She looked at the two pieces of the picture and let out a quivery sigh. 

"Monica, can I come in?" Phoebe's voice said from the other side of the door. Monica slowly stood up and threw the pieces to the floor. She walked over to the door and leaned against it. 

"Is it only you?" Monica asked, her head resting on the door. 

"It's only me," Phoebe assured. Monica sighed and opened the door, standing to the side to let Phoebe in. Phoebe walked passed Monica and sat on her bed. "Come here." 

Monica closed the door behind her and sat on the bed next to Phoebe. "Yeah?" Monica shifted her weight, looking from Phoebe to her hands. 

"I – just wanted to talk," she replied. Phoebe's eyes wandered around the room, then unto the open closet. "Are you cleaning?" Phoebe stood up and walked over to the closet. Monica followed, cautiously kneeling beside her friend. 

"N – no. I was just looking at some pictures," Monica muttered, picking up a picture of her and Ross as children. She sighed, throwing it aside. She straightened her knees and sat on the floor, taking a handful of pictures. 

"You sure do stock up on these things, huh?" Phoebe said with a smile. Monica gave her a half smile, her eyes glued to her hands. 

"You never know when you need a memory to keep yourself from feeling completely isolated." She took her eyes away from her hands and looked at Phoebe, her eyes dismal. She noticed Phoebe picking up her ripped picture and looked away. 

"What's this?" Phoebe questioned, holding up the two parts of the photo. 

Monica stood up, the pictures still in her hands, and walked over to the window. "Nothing." 

Phoebe stood up and followed Monica, the picture in her hands. "Why – why did you tear this apart?" 

Monica's eyes returned Phoebe's gaze. "He ruined my life. First, he's the best friend I could ever have. Next, he's a lying, cold person that betrayed me. I used to know Chandler from top to bottom… and now, I don't know him at all." Monica held her pictures higher and threw them all out the window. She watched them fall down onto the street and sidewalks of New York, out of her reach. They were no longer hers… now, they belonged to the city. 

"I loved Chandler. He was the best guy I knew, the best guy I'd ever know." Monica paused and took the pieces from Phoebe's hand. She put the picture together so that Chandler and Monica were holding hands again and laid it on the windowsill. "Then, he had a dream about his soulmate. I believed in him, and I went out to look for her with him. I watched my best friend chase the woman of his dreams. The only problem was… it wasn't me. But I still loved him, we were still inseparable, still best friends." Monica kept the picture together, then slowly moved the pieces apart. "Then he grew to love her, and she grew to love him. My job was done… so I returned to New York. He didn't follow me, he didn't return… he didn't even _call_." Monica held the pieces away now, her eyes full with tears. "I waited… I waited for a call, a message, a letter… _anything. _But I didn't get it. I sent him ten red roses… one for each year we were best friends. I grew to miss him more than anything. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep, I didn't do _anything. _Then, I tried to kill myself." Monica glanced out the window once more, tears rapidly falling. 

"Why?" Phoebe whispered, looking at Monica. Monica looked into Phoebe's eyes. 

"Because I had nothing to live for," she said, her voice low. She pushed the two pieces off of the windowsill and watched them fall. "My life was gone. I fell into a bottomless pit, never to be found again."

Phoebe moved closer to Monica and took her hands. "Sweetie… you – you had _us_. We could have helped you."

"But it wouldn't have been the same!" Monica cried. "You guys… are the best friends I can ask for. But Chandler… Chandler was my rock." She walked away from the window and fell onto the bed once more, her back to the bed. Phoebe followed, sitting beside her. 

"I- I understand," Phoebe muttered, taking her hand. "We all understand."

Monica closed her eyes. "Y- you can never understand."

__

It's simple… confusing

The truth is, I'm winning but I'm losing

And pulling and pushing won't do me any good

It could, it should

I'm honest to myself that, the truth is… I lied

* * *

The air was cool and crisp, with stars twinkling above. It was a perfect night, a still night. The only sound breaking the silence was the constant rush of cars passing by. People scattered around, going this way and that. Couples held hands, children ran behind their mothers. Buildings glittered in the city's light, and a slight breeze rippled by. 

"The night is just an illusion. Inside, people are hurting, dying," Chandler whispered to himself, sitting on the edge of his windowsill. "Nothing's perfect… and never can a night be perfect." 

Chandler suddenly heard a child crying and raised his head. "See, God? See what you're doing to the world? You're ruining it. You can stop all of the pain and suffering right now, this instant. But you won't." He took his watch off of his wrist and threw it out the window. "Y'know what, God? I'll give you a deal. Take all of my possessions – _everything. _But give me Monica back. Make her stop suffering, let her forgive me, let everything be like it used to be – happy." He took a ring off of his finger and threw it out the window. "So? Is it a deal?!" he yelled into the night, looking up toward the heavens. "**Help me!**" he cried at the top of his lungs. 

Suddenly, clouds came into view. The breeze began to quicken, and rain began to pelt down from the clouds. "That's great, God. I guess that gave me my answer," he muttered, standing and shutting the window. Chandler walked over to his bed and collapsed on it. He closed his eyes. 

He still was in his clothes. His bed wasn't made. His room was a mess. His hair was a mess. And it was all because of the guilt and suffering that welled up inside of him. He knew he hurt Monica, and it killed him. He'd do anything just so he could take all five months back. 

Chandler closed his eyes, feeling the tears come. Never could he take those five months back. 

So, he fell asleep, waiting for God's part of the deal to happen.

__

To Be Continued… 

Did you like it? Let me know! Do you want me to continue? Let me know! This chapter kind of came earlier, right? Aren't you proud? :-p Anyway… tell me if you liked it and if I should continue. 


	15. Chapter 15: Becoming Clear

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Before I start, I want to dedicate this chapter to **Becca**, because she made me :p But seriously, I loverr you, Becca Wecca! Mwah! I need to think of a better nickname for you…

**__**

Chapter Fifteen 

"No!"

Monica's eyes shot open, sweat pouring down her face, her heart beating rapidly. Everything around her looked blurry, just as it always has since her attempt. She abruptly sat up and tried to glance around her room. She checked her arms, legs, face, and wrists, and when she found nothing unusual, she let out a deep sigh and collapsed back onto her bed. 

"What a – a dream…" Monica muttered to herself, slowly closing her eyes. She silently listened to the steady beat of raindrops just outside the window, her mind blank. The raindrops drummed against the rooftops of buildings around as a deep roll of thunder broke the comforting peace. Monica exhaled while wiping the sweat from her face. 

Gradually, her heartbeat returned to normal and the sweat dried. Out of nowhere, a sudden chill ran up Monica's spine and she shuddered. She quickly rubbed her eyes to clear her vision, but all in vain. The room was dark and dismal, making any hopeful thoughts exit her mind. Her room seemed as if it had her suicidal thoughts hanging over it. Shadows cast across the walls and hard wooden floor, her window curtains flew this way and that. 

Monica shuddered again, feeling the cold breeze shoot across the room. She slowly got up from her bed and walked over to the window, hugging herself protectively. When she reached the large window, she forcefully closed it and collapsed onto the floor. 

Nights always seemed to be the same since she came back from the hospital. A dreary feeling loomed around her, haunting her, chilling her to the bone. She woke up from nightmares almost ever night, never seeming to be able to rid them. She knew each one had a connection, but each night that connection seemed to blur. 

Monica stood up from the floor, letting out a shaky breath. She walked over to her bedroom door, running her hands up and down the smooth wood. Then, she gradually reached for the doorknob and turned it. She took one last glance at her room and walked out into the living room. 

Everything was in the exact same place she left it before the attempt. It was apparent that her friends tried to clean it up to please her, but nonetheless, everything stayed the same. Monica walked over to the kitchen and stared down at the floor, seeing the bloodstain. She knelt onto her knees and ran her hands across the floor, tears soaking up into the wooden floor as they fell from her eyes. 

"Why was I so stupid?" Monica whispered, closing her eyes. "Why?" She opened her eyes and looked at the empty shelves that should have been filled with plates and cups. She stood from her knees and walked over to the cabinet drawers. She opened one and noticed no knives held their usual place. They were gone, they no longer held onto that night. 

Monica wanted more than anything to never hold onto that night again. But it stuck to her; it would stick to her for the rest of her life. She'd never be able to escape the dreading feeling, the reminder that she tried to end her life. She'd have three scars to remind her any time that she'd try to forget.

Monica walked out of the kitchen and went over to the couch, lying down on top of it. She stared at the ceiling, trying to clear her mind of any unpleasant thoughts. But no matter how hard she tried, the same thought entered her mind. 

She ended her life the minute she tried to begin it.

* * *

The next morning, Joey walked into Monica and Chandler's apartment, heading straight for the fridge. He took out a soda and opened it, looking around the room. 

"Mon?" he called out. "Are you awake?" He set down the soda on the kitchen table and walked over to her bedroom door, slightly opening it. When he saw it was empty, he closed the door and turned around, immediately fretting the worst. He sighed when he saw Monica on the sofa, apparently asleep. 

Joey quietly walked over to Monica and softly smiled. He took the blanket hanging over the couch and covered her petite, pale body. Monica lightly stirred, her eyes slowly opening. She smiled when seeing Joey hovered above her. 

"Joey?" she muttered, her eyes still half closed. Joey sat on the edge of the couch and put his arm around her shoulders. 

"Yeah, it's me," he gently replied while stroking her hair with his free hand. He looked at Monica with caring eyes, flashing her a loving smile. Monica slowly sat up and rubbed her eyes, attempting to clear her vision. Joey's face still looked blurry, and Monica wasn't sure if she was in a dream. 

"Am I awake?" she asked, her voice edged with confusion. Joey looked at her and gave her half of a smile. 

"Yeah, you are," he told her, uncertain. 

"Pinch me." Everything Monica saw, she saw as if through a dream. Nothing seemed real at that moment. Light shined, but everything around her was hazy. It was as if she were standing in the middle of the line between reality and fantasy. 

"What?" Joey looked at Monica and felt her forehead, flustered and dazed as to her strange behavior. Monica shook his hand off of her forehead and pinched herself. She flinched and slowly laid back down, her head resting on the armrest. 

"What time is it?" she asked, her voice just a bit shaky. Joey looked over at the clock above her television set. 

"10:30," he replied, standing up. "I – I have an audition to go to, will you be okay?" 

Monica sighed and turned her head towards Joey. "I'll be fine, Joe… I'm a big girl; it's ok… I can be left alone." She put her hand to her forehead and slowly rubbed it, trying to think clearly. 

"Okay… Ross is across the hall in my apartment if you need anything," he replied and bent over to kiss Monica on the cheek. "I'll be back soon, and we'll do something together if you want."

Monica let a small smile escape her lips. "That'd be fine." Joey smiled and stood up straight. He walked over to the door and turned. 

"Bye, Mon."

Monica nodded, and Joey left the room. Slowly, Monica stood from the couch. When she first stood up, she quickly held out her arms to balance herself as she felt a wave of nausea flood through her. It quickly passed, and Monica was left standing in the middle of the living room, not knowing what to do next. Her mind was blank, her body weak. 

Monica's eyes shot toward Chandler's door when she heard it open. Chandler walked out of his room with disheveled hair and red, scratchy eyes, indicating he'd been shedding tears. Monica silently backed away while Chandler's eyes were still facing the ground, and her eyes hardened. Her eyes never left Chandler, and while backing up, she tripped over a loose pillow. Chandler's eyes glanced away from the floor and quickly into Monica's eyes. 

For a second, time seemed frozen. They just stood there, gazing into each other's eyes without a word. Their bodies were frozen in one spot, their eyes frozen in place. Only their faint breathing could be heard, only each other could be seen. 

Monica quickly shook her head and looked away. She stood from the floor and walked away and towards the apartment door. Chandler sighed.   
  
"Monica, wait!" he called after her. Monica stopped in front of the door stood there for a few seconds without turning around. She shook her head and walked out the door, leaving Chandler standing in the room alone. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered into the empty room. 

* * *

Monica walked aimlessly out of her apartment and down the sidewalks of New York City. Strangers pushed passed her, screaming, yelling, running… anything to keep peace away. Monica tried to go through the crowd without bumping into anyone, and soon reached the coffeehouse. She stood in front of the doors for a few minutes, frozen to her spot. 

She remembered the days when her and her four friends would all come into the coffeehouse, laughing, joking, living their lives. They'd sit on the old orange sofa in the middle of the shop and sip coffee, talking with no worries, no fears. They'd spend most of their days in that coffeehouse, being the only five people in the world. Anybody around them was merely a vision, a blur. They'd pay attention to them and them alone. They were the best of friends.

Monica sighed and shook her head. Those times were gone, now. It was all gone. Her happiness, her fun, her energy was gone. It was as if everything vanished into thin air, never to been seen or heard of again. 

Monica slowly moved from her spot and walked into the glass doors leading into Central Perk. She moved her way towards the vacant couch and hesitantly sat on it. A waitress walked over to Monica and smiled.   


"Can I help you?" the waitress asked, getting her pad and pen ready. Monica nodded. 

"I – I'll have sweetened coffee, please," she said as if mechanically. 

When the woman left, Monica looked around the familiar room, smelling the coffee, listening to the constant chatter, taking in the homely feelings. She closed her eyes and pictured Ross, Phoebe, Joey, and Chandler all in one of the usual spots one of the five always sat in. She visualized them all laughing, talking, and having a great time. 

Monica gently smiled as she pictured a normal day within the group. 

__

Chandler just finished one of his constant jokes. Everyone laughed, and suddenly Phoebe voiced a question. Ross tried to explain the answer, but Phoebe disagreed. Suddenly, they both jumped into an argument. The other three friends simply shook their heads as Chandler pulled his arm around Monica's shoulder and squeezed it gently. He whispered into her ear and she smiled, giggling. Joey grinned and began telling them about his last audition. They sat there, sipping coffee, living life freely and fully. 

"Miss?" someone called out. 

Monica shot her eyes open, half expecting to see her friends surrounding her. Her heart dropped as she came back into reality and realized she was alone in the coffeehouse. She reached out her hands as the waitress handed her the over-large mug and forced a smile. 

"Thanks," she mumbled, setting the coffee onto the table. The waitress walked away and Monica darted her eyes around the room. 

Everything seemed the same. Everything looked the same, everything sounded the same, everything tasted the same. Everything _seemed _the same. 

But Monica was all too aware that everything was far from the same. 

* * *  


Monica heard a soft knock on her bedroom door. She took her pillow from her face and sat up on her bed, her eyes half closed. 

"Who is it?" she called out. She heard a pause, then watched her door slightly open. 

"It's Joey," he replied, poking his head from the small crack in the door. "Can I come in?"

Monica nodded, so Joey walked into her room, closing the door behind him. He walked over to her quilted bed and sat next to her. For a moment, there was complete silence. Monica stared at the wall in front of her, and Joey's eyes were glued to his hands. 

Suddenly, Joey cleared his throat, making Monica jump. Joey smiled, and Monica forced a smile.

"Is there something you wanted to talk about?" Monica asked, looking back at her friend. Joey shifted his weight and looked deep into Monica's eyes. He hesitated for a minute, but nodded. 

"Yeah, there is. But before you say anything, I want you to hear me out, okay?" Monica looked at Joey skeptically. Slowly, she nodded. 

"Fine."

Joey took his eyes away from Monica's, and his smile faded. "It's about Chandler."

Monica groaned and looked away. "Joey, I-"

"You promised you'd hear me out!" he cut her off. Monica sighed and shrugged. 

"Continue," she replied, her voice anything but enthusiastic. Joey nodded, and took her hand in his. 

"I'm going to tell you right now that what I'm about to say is not because I'm Chandler's best friend, but because you're mine," he whispered, leaning in closer to Monica. Monica nodded, somewhat touched by his comment. "You have to forgive him, Mon," he continued, his voice about to crack. Monica was about to cut him off, but she heard the desperation in his voice, the fear in his voice. She sighed, but decided against saying anything. 

"He didn't do anything to you." Joey looked away from Monica when he saw the fire burn in her eyes. He frowned, afraid of her reaction. 

"He did _everything _to me!" Monica yelled, forgetting her promise to keep quiet. She looked away from Joey just as he glanced back up at her. He put his hand on her cheek and turned her head so she was looking into his eyes once more. 

"Did he really? Joey answered, his voice hushed. He shook his head. "You never told him to call you when you left, Mon. You didn't tell him what to do, you didn't tell him why you left. It's not his fault. He was afraid, confused. Would you know what to do if you had to choose between your best friend and the person you thought was your soul mate? Would you? Could you honestly tell me that your mind would be clear, you'd know exactly what to do?" Monica didn't say anything, so Joey continued. "He doesn't know that you love him, Mon, because you never told him. He's not a mind reader, he can't know how you feel if you don't tell him."

Monica slowly looked away from Joey, now more confused than ever. She looked ahead, trying to keep her coming tears invisible to him. "What about at the hospital? Would he really have yelled and grabbed my arms if he cared for me?" Monica muttered, keeping her eyes glued to the white wall in front of her. 

"He was afraid, we all were," Joey told Monica, his eyes teary, his voice scratched. "You almost died, Mon, we were all so scared we were going to lose you, nothing was clear. We were angry at ourselves, hurt you'd do that, scared to _death _you'd leave us forever. But it was different for him, Mon, because he blamed himself. And I admit it, at the time we all blamed him. But nothing was his fault. _You _tried to kill yourself, Mon. _You _left him and came back to New York. And in no way am I saying this is your fault, but now you have to forgive him. All he wants is your friendship, all he needs is you."

Without another word, Joey stood from Monica's bed and walked out the door. Monica sighed and collapsed onto her bed, thinking over Joey's words. 

__

You tried to kill yourself, Mon. You left him and came back to New York. It's not his fault. 

* * *

In the stillness of the night, Chandler lain awake in bed hurt, dazed, and confused. What was he supposed to do? Was he supposed to run away from everything, hide away for the rest of his life?

__

Bing, I think you're already taking care of that, he thought bitterly. He stayed in his room just about all day, the fear that Monica was in the next room always lingering in his heart. It tore him apart each time he saw Monica's pain and suffering when he saw her, and he couldn't bear the fact that he was the one causing that pain and suffering. He was hurting her, and he had no idea how to stop it. He tried. He tried apologizing to Monica numerous times. But she just walked away, but hearing what he had to say. But he wouldn't blame her… he could never blame her. 

Chandler abruptly stood from his unmade bed and walked out of his room. He froze when he saw Monica sleeping on the couch, her hair strewn about, her arm falling off of the couch. Chandler smiled at the sight before him. She looked so peaceful sleeping, like an angel. 

Chandler strolled over to the couch and sat at the edge of it. For a moment, he just sat there watching her sleep. He watched as she slowly breathed in and out, her mouth just slightly open. Chandler carefully took her hand and stroked her hair, his eyes soft, his touch healing. He watched as she slightly stirred, but didn't open her eyes. Chandler took the blanket hanging from the back of the couch and covered Monica. He watched as she gradually stretched, her eyes slowly opening. 

* * *

Everything around her was blurry, and she was sure she was in a dream. 

Chandler was sitting next to her, his eyes panicked. Instinctively, she pulled away from him. But when she saw his hurt expression, she stayed put. Chandler looked at Monica with kind eyes, a loving touch. His eyes were brimmed with tears, and his face was scrunched up as if trying to fight the tears. 

"I'm sorry," he whispered, his voice cracked. "I – I'm so, so sorry." Chandler buried his face in his hands, and Monica could have sworn she heard him whimper. Any other time she would have merely walked away from Chandler without a second glance. But this time, something was stopping her. 

__

All he wants is your friendship, all he needs is you.

Monica looked into Chandler's eyes and saw all of the guilt and pain held up inside of them. Something tugged at her heart, and this time she was sure it wasn't hate that did this. She sadly looked at his crying figure, feeling tears well up in her own eyes. Chandler took his hands from his face and looked at Monica with red, wet eyes. 

"I'm so sorry," he repeated, his voice sorrowful. Monica took in a deep breath. 

"It – it's ok," she muttered, looking down at the floor. Chandler looked up at her, surprised. "It's okay," she said again, this time more confidentially. Without thinking, Monica pulled Chandler into a tight hug. 

But when she felt her heart fill with love and compassion, she knew that it wasn't a dream, she wasn't dreaming. 

Monica tightened her grip around Chandler, sobbing into his shoulders. "It's okay, I forgive you," she said one last time, her entire face now buried into Chandler's shoulders. 

Without another word, Chandler and Monica clung to each other, their future suddenly brighter. 

__

To be continued… 

You thought it'd be over by now, didn't you? :p Did you like this chapter? Do you want me to continue? Let me know! Review! Oh, and once again… thank you so much Becca! Everyone, Becca really helped me out. I saved this chapter on a floppy and it wouldn't appear, and Becca save it :D If it weren't for her, you'd have to wait another two weeks until I wrote the entire story over again!

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*applauds Becca*


	16. Chapter 16: The Best Thing

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This chapter is also dedicated to Becca, because I loverr her, and she's done way too much for me :D Thankies so much. Oh, and this leaves off the morning after the end of Chapter 15.

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Chapter Sixteen

Monica woke up to the sound of soft breathing down her neck. She slowly sat up, her eyes half-closed, her hair strewn about. When she saw Chandler behind her, holding her, she gently laid back down and smiled to herself. Chandler suddenly opened his eyes, squeezing Monica tight. He yawned, indicating to Monica that he was awake. 

"Morning," she greeted, her voice scratchy, while closing her eyes. He grinned. 

"G'morning. God, it sure does feel good to wake up with you in my arms again," he whispered in her ears, his warm breath sending chills down Monica's spine. 

"It's been months," Monica said plainly, slowly turning towards him. He nodded, stretching out his hand to touch her soft skin. 

"Seems like yesterday." He stroked her cheek, savoring the feel she gave him. 

"Do you regret coming back to New York?" 

"No. Never will, either." Chandler paused, slowly sitting up, Monica following him. "She wasn't the one for me, Mon. That dream was bogus, it wasn't real." He paused, but continued. "Do you regret forgiving me?" 

Monica shook her head quickly, sending her hair flying. "Of course not. I was… I was just hurt, that's all. But… that's all behind us now, right? Not only that, but… the… y- y know…" 

Chandler put his finger to her lips, and Monica stopped. "It's behind us. All that's left are the physical scars left on you, that's all." He took her two wrists and slid her sleeves up, revealing the cuts left on her. He slowly, gently kissed both of them, then slid the sleeves back down. "I'll never forget it, but I won't dwell on it," he whispered. Monica nodded, pulling him into a tight hug. 

"Thank you, Chandler. For everything." Chandler hugged her back, feeling tears slide down his cheeks and onto Monica's shoulders. 

But this time, they were tears of joy.

* * *

__

Three months later…

"Breakfast is ready!" Monica called over enthusiastically as if ordering children to the table. "Come and get it!" She took the plate full of pancakes and waffles and set them on the table, going over for the second plate, which was full of eggs and sausages. Suddenly, her friends came crowding around the table, reaching for food and coffee. Monica laughed and threw the pots into the sink, throwing her apron aside. She quietly walked away from the bunch and into her room, heading straight for her dresser. 

Looking into the mirror in front of her, Monica smiled. The woman staring back at her was _happy. _She was finally happy after so much torture. Smiles replaced tears, laughter replaced cries for help. Monica, Chandler, Joey, Ross, and Phoebe were re-united, they were best friends again. It was as if nothing had happened. As if Chandler never left, as if Monica never attempted to end her life. Things were back to normal, just like Monica wished they would. 

"Maybe God _is_ listening," she whispered to herself, looking away from the mirror and into her drawers. She browsed through her selection of clothing, finally deciding upon a blue top and jeans… an outfit Chandler always complemented her on. 

While she took off her shirt, leaving only her bra on, the door to her back slowly and quietly opened, and Chandler walked in. He grinned slyly when seeing she was shirtless, and walked over to her. Monica, oblivious to his presence, folded her old shirt before grabbing her new one. Before she could put it on, Chandler put his hands on her bare shoulders, causing her to jump. 

"Yum," he retorted, licking his lips in mock hunger. "Aren't you just the most delicious thing on the menu?"

Instantly, Monica flew her shirt to cover herself, her cheeks burning red. She backed away, quickly slipping on her shirt. "Don't people ever knock anymore?" She said, looking away. She walked over to her closet and opened her sock drawer, pretending to pick out a pair. But in her head, a million and one questions flew to her mind. 

__

What's he thinking?

Did I look stupid?

Am I blushing? Oh, God, I hope I'm not blushing!

Chandler walked over to Monica and put his arms around her waist. "Y'know, you can pass as a cherry you're so red," he muttered into her ear. Monica felt butterflies float through her stomach, her cheeks flaring up again.   


"That's not true," she said, trying to avoid him. She heard Chandler chuckle and turned around. She playfully punched his shoulder. "What? What's so funny?" she asked, using her best fake-angry voice. Chandler shook his head. 

"Nothing!" he replied, holding out his hands. "Can't a man chuckle?" 

"Well, sure…" Monica started, looking Chandler up and down. "But I don't see a man here." She grinned, slowly backing away. Chandler slowly edged towards her, mocking anger. 

"Do you wanna take that back?" he said, speeding up just a bit. Monica shook her head. 

"Never."

Suddenly, Monica sprang into a sprint, Chandler running after her. She opened her door and sped through the living room, Chandler chasing her, as their three friends looked after them, shrugging. Monica ran down the stairs as Chandler clumsily tripped down them. They ran towards Central Perk, and when they entered, Monica suddenly stopped, causing Chandler to run into her. They both fell to the floor, laughter suddenly escaping them. As the entire shop stopped to crane their heads towards the couple, Chandler and Monica rolled over, gasping for breath. Gunther, a blonde waitress, walked over to them, his pad and pen ready. 

"Can I get you anything?" 

* * *

The crickets noisily chirped outside, drowning out the sounds of cars and conversations on the streets of New York City. The moon beamed its light into the apartment, the luminous light reflecting on their faces. Chandler sat on the couch, Monica wrapped inside of his arms. 

"Beautiful sound, isn't it?" Monica whispered, her eyes closed. 

"What is?" Chandler questioned, leaning his head on top of Monica's. Monica smiled. 

"The crickets." She reached for Chandler's hand and tightly gripped it. "It's more beautiful than any other song I've ever heard." She took his other hand and began playing with his fingers. Chandler took Monica's small hands into his. 

"More beautiful than our song?" he murmured into her ear. Monica turned around, her eyes sparkling, her lips twitched into a smile. 

"How does that go again?" Monica looked away from Chandler but stayed in her position. Then, her voice still in a whisper, she sang. "You and I should make a pact… we must bring all salvation back. Where there is love, I'll be there. Just call my name, and I'll be there." She nodded, looking into Chandler's eyes. "That sounds about right."

Chandler smiled, leaning his forehead against hers. "I'll be there to comfort you. I'll build my world of dreams around you. I'm so glad I found you. Because… I'll be there." 

"Are we ever going to get tired of that song?" Monica asked, laying back down, her head on Chandler's shoulder. She wrapped Chandler's arms around her and sighed contently. 

"Well, we _do _sing it too much," Chandler joked, laying his head on the armrest. "But it's **our **song. I'll never get tired of our song, cause it's ours." 

"You're good with the words," Monica retorted, grinning from ear to ear. 

"Thank you, Miss Gellar." 

Monica's grin faded, but the sparkle in her eyes remained. "Do you – do you think we got over all that happened too soon?" she asked, sitting up. Chandler quickly shook his head. 

"Ok, first of all, what a random question." Monica rolled her eyes, so Chandler continued, "And second of all, we said we wouldn't dwell on it, and you said it was all behind us," Chandler replied, putting his hands on her shoulders and laying her back down. "There's no need to even think about it. It's over, gone, done… bye-bye…" 

"Ok, I got it!" Monica said, stopping Chandler. "You don't have to name all the synonyms of _over_," she added, smiling. Chandler began stroking her hair, his smile matching hers.

"Well, I do have a very wide range of vocabulary." 

"Yes, and all of your words are so complex. Especially 'bye-bye.'" Monica stood up from the couch and laughed. Chandler stood up with her and grabbed her by the waist.

"Go on, mock me!" Chandler kissed Monica's forehead, looking into her eyes. "I'll still love ya." Monica smiled and kissed Chandler's cheek. 

"And I still love you, even if you're so strange." Monica grinned and patted his cheek. Suddenly, Chandler let go of Monica's waist and took her by the hand. He led her over to the window that lead to the balcony and opened it. 

"Want to do something we haven't done in a while?" He motioned for Monica to head out, and he followed behind her. When they reached the balcony, cold wind instantly nipped at Monica's skin, and she shuddered. Chandler smiled and put his arm around her shoulder. He walked over to the corner of the balcony and unfolded a small blanket, wrapping it around the two of them. Then, he sat down with Monica, leaning their backs to the wall, looking up at the sky. 

"You're right, we haven't done this in a while," Monica replied, nuzzling Chandler's neck. "Seems like forever ago." 

Chandler nodded, moving closer to Monica. "Did you miss it?"

"More than you'll ever know." She looked away from Chandler and up to the sky, pointing to a star. "That's the star I wished upon every night for you to be happy… ever since you moved in." She smiled, closing her eyes once more. "I'll always remember it because it's the brightest star there. I remember figuring that a star that bright could brighten up any life." 

Chandler looked away from the sky and at Monica. He smiled and kissed her hair, tears about to spring into his eyes. "D – did you really?"

"I wanted more than anything for you to be happy, Chandler. So, every night we came out here, I'd look at that same star and wish the same wish." She opened her eyes, looking toward Chandler. "It'll happen some day, I know it will. The wish will come true." She smiled and leaned her head on his shoulder. 

Chandler looked down at Monica and laid his head against hers. "Mon, I _am _happy. More than you'll ever know," he whispered. She closed her eyes and smiled. 

"Good."

Suddenly, a chill ran through Chandler, and he knew it wasn't the wind. He looked down at Monica, whose eyes were now closed, and sighed. 

__

I am happy. I'm happy… because of you, Mon. 

* * *

Feelings and sensations new to him crept through, leading their way in, closing their way out. He didn't know what was happening, but he knew things were different now. When he said, 'I love you,' to her, he felt his heart tingle. Just seeing her made every single worry he ever had disappear. Things were different now, but he had no idea just how different. 

Chandler sighed as the alarm clock sprang into life, the shrill sound pounding into his ears. He slapped his hand to turn it off and threw the sheets off of the bed altogether. He didn't get much sleep that night. Feelings and thoughts that were overbearing him kept him awake. He didn't know what was happening, and he wasn't too sure he wanted to find out. But he did know that his strange feelings were all connected to Monica. He felt different, but wonderful. 

He had the same dream every night. The 'soul mate' dream. He knew Rachel wasn't her, but he couldn't help feeling that he already knew the soul mate. But he had no clue who it was. He wasn't sure he even wanted to know.

Was he being stupid? Was the answer written across for him? Was he just being oblivious? He didn't know, but he knew one thing.

__

Things were changing. 

* * *

Flowers surrounded them, the clear blue sky and fluffy white clouds hovered above them, fresh cut grass was below them. Birds chirped, ants crawled, and children shouted and ran. 

Monica took the blanket and spread it across the grass, setting the picnic basket on top of it. As Chandler and Monica sat on top of it, a Frisbee flew into Monica, and she fell over. Chandler chuckled, and Monica rubbed her head in pain. 

"Ow," she plainly said, her eyes shut tight. Chandler shook his head and grinned as he went over to Monica and helped her up. A child came running towards them, and picked up the Frisbee. 

"Sorry, lady," he apologized. Monica smiled, so the boy ran away, throwing the Frisbee to his friend. When they sat on the blanket, Monica giggled, the giggles turning into laughter. Chandler joined in, and soon they fell on their backs. When people began to glance their way, they calmed down and sat back up. 

"That was strange," Monica stated, her grin still plastered on her face. Chandler nodded, a smile also on his face, as he rummaged through the basket and took out two Pepsi's. He handed Monica one and smiled.   


"So you still want a kid?" Chandler joked, sipping his drink. Monica rolled her eyes and moved closer to Chandler, leaning her head on his shoulder. She closed her eyes, but just before they were fully closed, something hit her head. When she opened her eyes, she saw another Frisbee on the blanket near her. 

"Don't I just have the best of luck?" she said sarcastically, picking up the plastic disk and handing it to the child that ran over. Chandler looked down at Monica and smiled. He reached out a hand to the grass and ripped a flower from its roots, placing it in Monica's hair. 

"That's for feeling sorry for you," he said, smiling. Monica touched the flower, her eyes dancing. 

"Why, thank you Bing." She looked into his eyes, and Chandler suddenly dropped his drink. 

Suddenly, a million and one flashbacks flashed through his mind. He saw Monica, then Rachel, then Tony; all of the past months. Then, the last thing he saw was his vision, his dream. In that vision, the woman wasn't blurry anymore. She was clear. Everything suddenly became clear. 

Chandler shook his head and looked back into Monica's eyes. He knew it. It was _her._

"Chandler? What's-" 

Chandler shook his head and put his finger to her lips. He took it away, and put his hands to her face. 

"You really are beautiful," he whispered. 

Then, he kissed her lips and felt it shoot through him. 

Kissing his best friend was the best thing he'd ever done. 

__

The End. 

Okay, so what did you think? Was it horrible? Did I rush? Was it good? Was it okay? I'd love to know! Let me know! Flames and compliments are both appreciated. I was going to make 17 chapters, but I didn't want to drag it out. Once again… what did you think? Should I continue writing, or should I quit? ;) Well, that's my story… I'm gonna miss it, it was fun to write. 

* bows** ***

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	17. Epilogue

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A/N_:_ _I **was **going to end it at Chapter 16… but almost every single review asked for an epilogue! So, I'm doing this just for you. Seriously :p Tell me if you liked this. But, this will definitely be the last chapter to the series. Oh, and this is kind of a present for all of the wonderful reviews I received throughout the story! Review to tell me what you think. And… don't think I don't realize this is in first person view. I just thought an epilogue would be so much more… heart-felt, I guess, if it shows the feelings, not the actions. _

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Epilogue

Smile. A simple word, yes. But a meaningless one? Definitely not. 

Laugh. A word so rare to some, while so constant to others. 

Joy. An alien word a few years ago, a reminder of life now. 

Love. Not a very complex word, with only four letters. But it is what keeps people going. Most of the time. 

…My life is back. It's here _permanently._ I don't have to cry anymore, I don't have to yell anymore. While years ago I hated life, I now love life. I have everything I can ever possibly want. 

I have _Chandler. _

The pieces of the puzzle are all put together now. The pieces of my life are all glued back together. My life is no longer shattered, no longer hateful. I have my friends, I have my family, I have the love of my life.

I look at him every day, each time realizing how lucky I am to have my angel. To _finally _have my angel. I've spent the first ten years of our friendship pining over him, and now I'm going to spend the rest of our friendship loving him… this time knowing that I'm loved back. 

And I remember the day all of my hopes and wishes and dreams came true. How could I forget? I remember sitting on the grass in the park, next to him. I remember him putting a flower in my hair. But what surprised me was… _he _was the one that kissed _me_. At first I was in shock, not fully realizing what was happening. Then I began to kiss back. The moment I kissed him, I felt my dark, cruel life passing before me, and my new, joyous, luminous life coming. It was strange, but in a wonderful way. I finally got what I wanted, and I wasn't hurting him in any way. 

It was all I could ever ask for.

When our lips parted, I looked into his deep blue eyes and smiled widely, his smile mirroring mine. I felt happier at that moment than I ever thought I could be. I knew that there would be complications following the kiss, but I didn't think about it. I remember my one and only thought at that moment: _Finally_. 

"Did I make a mistake?" he asked me, his voice hushed. I remember quickly shaking my head. 

"No." Then, he kissed my lips once more. We parted a second time, our lips still inches apart. I leaned my forehead on his, and he closed his eyes. 

"You were the one all along," he whispered to me, slowly opening his eyes. My smile turned into a grin, and I took his hand. For a moment in time, we just sat there, gazing at each other. We didn't want think of anything, didn't need to think of anything. Then, he took my other hand and squeezed it. "It's like they belong." I remember nodding, speechless. 

__

We **do **belong, my heart was saying, my mind telling me the same thing. 

…It's a strange thing when your heart and mind agree. Never before, in all of my life, had they agreed. My heart told me to go with what I feel, my mind told me to go with what was right. But when they actually _agree_ with each other… it's a totally different thing. 

Because it tells me that I want it… and _should_. 

Yes, it's a strange thing when you're not confused. 

… Life can be so cruel, even at the best of moments. When you get what you want, there's always a downside to it. It never fails. 

I remember sitting with Chandler one day, sitting in his lap. We were just holding each other, loving each other's presence. It was a comfortable silence, but Chandler broke it nonetheless. 

"I just hate knowing that we lost so much time to be together," I remember him whispering in my ears. "Ten years."

I merely nodded, turning towards him. "Don't forget one of those years were hell." 

Chandler slowly nodded, looking towards the wall. "Never will I forget." 

… When you get through hell, you move up to heaven. 

Life as I knew it was over; I _was_ in hell. But then, we came together again, and I'm floating through heaven now. And y'know what?

Being in heaven changes everything. 

When you're in heaven on Earth, it's as if you're floating on clouds with the person you love. Everyone else is under you, just a little bit less happy than you. 

When you're in heaven, you never want to change anything. That's the beauty of it. 

…I have a joy in life that I never knew existed. I have a love in life that I never thought I'd get. I have a peace of mind that I never thought would return. I have a life I never thought possible. I have a need for someone else I never thought I'd release. I have a man in my life I never thought I'd find. 

… Happiness. A word I no longer have to pretend. 

Truth. A word sometimes so hard to use, yet so beautiful when used. 

Perfect. A word used so little, yet described so much. 

Forever. A word fearful, yet true. A long, long time. _Eternity_.

Soul mates. Chandler and Monica. 

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The **real **end…

Ok, so that's **really **the end ;) Please tell me if you liked it, or tell me if you'd just like me to delete it and leave it at Chapter 16. I know this was short, but it's supposed to be… it's an epilogue. I really am going to miss writing this, cause it was a whole bunch of fun. Oh, and before I forget… thank you so much for anyone and everyone who read this and reviewed faithfully! It's people like you that help boost my confidence :D 

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